[Ronan doesn't need to be reminded. He still remembers it- dying with fingers around his neck, Adam's, no, his own- his own face looking down at him as the air was stolen from his body and he'd fought. They'd exchanged blows, but Ronan had been caught unaware, at a bad time, and as his vision blurred, he'd thought about Adam.
He'd wondered if he'd see him again, wondered if this monster who looked like him would hurt the other boy. It was devastating, knowing that he wouldn't be around to protect him and now that he knows what the bastard did, it's almost worse. He'd wondered, in the moment, if he would come back, or if Adam would have to go through losing him. The thought alone, of Adam trying to survive by himself as the last of all of them... well, that was too much to bear.
Luckily, he didn't have to bear it for long.]
Parrish, [he finally mumbles, reaching for Adam's fingers on his scalp and pulling his hand down so that Ronan can press his lips against the other boy's palms, in boundless devotion.]
I'd go to blows with the devil himself to come back to you. Don't doubt that.
[He closes his eyes for just a moment, taking a breath, because he's terrified he might cry. He cried for Ronan already, alone after everything had happened. Even knowing he might - should - come back, Adam still fell apart, and now part of him wants to again. The strength of Ronan's devotion is the greatest gift he's ever known, something he doesn't feel he deserves but that he never wants to give up.
He doesn't have words to express how he feels having Ronan back. He's not sure there's a proper vocabulary in any language.]
I never doubt you.
[He only speaks once he can be sure his voice won't break - once he can be fairly sure Ronan won't hear how close he came to tears. It's still a little hoarse, but that can't be helped. He reaches out, slipping his arms around Ronan, holding on to him.
Ronan doesn't hate him for what he did, doesn't hate him for not realizing what happened. He's always known that Ronan's devotion goes deep, but Adam second-guesses himself, thinks that he does not deserve it the way people like Gansey and Noah do. It's not that he really thought Ronan would turn away from him - just like he didn't genuinely believe Ronan wouldn't come back. But there was always the smallest sliver of possibility, and that haunted him while he was alone, struggling with everything that happened.
But the loss of Ronan was the most difficult of all of it. They've grown so close. Adam has never loved someone like this before, has never been loved like this. Losing that would have destroyed part of him, and he knows it. But Ronan is here now.]
I love you.
[He still says it so rarely, but he needs to now.]
[Neither of them really say it very often, both for their own reasons. Ronan knows that Adam never really had anyone to love him before, and he doesn't want Adam to feel a lack of it, but at the same time he's also never been good at expressing himself with words. He proves his love to Adam through touch and through action and he hopes that Adam understands, just as he understands the unspoken proclamation when it's through the other boy's hands instead of his tongue.
But Adam says it, which means something- that he feels it particularly strongly at that moment, that he's overcome or relieved or all of the above. It means that Ronan ought to say it back, and so he nods like he understands the purpose of Adam telling him such a thing, and leans in, pressing their foreheads together.]
I love you too.
[Ronan snakes an arm around Adam's waist at that point and he nuzzles their cheeks together in a gesture of affection. He knows how terrified Adam was- he remembers the double doing cruel things to him- and he knows that a heartfelt embrace after the fact isn't going to erase everything, but it's a start.
[He breathes Ronan in. It helps just having him there, the reality of his presence undeniable. Whatever else happened, he's here now. It doesn't erase the past - it doesn't erase his death, or the impostor that did its best to destroy Adam. It doesn't erase the days he spent utterly alone, consumed with his fears and his guilt.
But it means that Ronan is back with him. That they can move on from this, even if it isn't instant, even if Adam still feels like he has things to make up for. Even though he's sure that Ronan's death, the brutality and horror of it, must haunt him. Ronan has been through so much already. Why this, too? Adam would have done anything to protect him from it if he could.
He'll do his best to be sure it never happens again. That no one hurts Ronan like that again, for both of their sakes.]
I'm not gonna let you get hurt again.
[He's still holding on to Ronan. He doesn't want to let go. Ronan is more real when Adam is touching him, and for all that the impostor and the real thing are identical, Adam thinks he would know the difference now. That nothing else could touch him the same way the real Ronan does.]
[He says earnestly, and for the most part he is. Sore here and there, tired more than anything, but he wants to make sure that Adam is alright before making any of his needs known.
The promise is sweet too, and the meaning of it is genuine, but Ronan isn't sure if not getting hurt is even a possibility here anymore. If it came between him and Adam- well, he knows what he'd do, no matter how much it would upset the other boy. Pain in this place is common, and he's beginning to understand that there's just no avoiding it, no matter how careful they are.
The thought makes him squeeze Adam for a moment, tight and clingy, before he sighs and lets his arm drop.]
[He doesn't know how else to express this. It hurt Ronan, and that hurt him as well - so deeply. Adam still remembers so vividly that moment when he realized what was going on, when the world froze for a second. When he found Ronan's body, and he had to try to keep himself together. He remembers it with brutal clarity. That, and the collapse afterward.
He lets got of Ronan, finally, though he doesn't really want to. Instead, Adam looks at him. He doesn't say what he's thinking - you're all I have or you mean more to me than anything else in this place or I don't want to be here without you. All of it is true, but it's placing a burden on Ronan's shoulders, making him responsible for Adam's happiness and stability here. And that isn't fair.
Adam has survived everything else in his life. He would find a way to survive losing Ronan too. But it might break him.]
I shouldn't have let it go, but I couldn't hurt it. It looked just like you.
[Ronan's brows furrow for a moment at that- it did hurt him, but the pain it pushed on Adam was far worse. He could only imagine what he'd do if he found Adam's murderer, let alone if he'd found out that it was something that looked like him, that fooled him, this whole time.
He can only imagine what it must be like to have to kiss it, to make some form of affection seem genuine, just to get it to go away. Ronan likes to think that he'd have killed it, but after the whole fiasco with the other Adam... well, he's not sure anymore.
Ronan reaches up, pressing his palm against Adam's cheek, brushing his hair gently aside.]
You stayed safe. That's all that matters, no matter what it made you do.
[He presses his cheek into Ronan's hand, taking some strength and some comfort from the the touch. He wants to take what Ronan said to heart - that he did what he had to do, that it doesn't matter that he wasn't able to make that creature pay for Ronan's death. That he wasn't able to strike back, that all he could do was try to keep himself safe.
That he let it touch him. That he kissed it. It was necessary, Adam knows, but that doesn't make him feel any better. It helps that Ronan doesn't blame him for it, and it helps so much that Ronan is back with him - it'll keep him from sinking into regret and self hatred. But it doesn't fix everything in an instant.]
I couldn't stop thinking about you all alone. How I should have known.
[He couldn't stop thinking about Ronan dying alone. If nothing else, Adam wishes he could have been there. Ronan shouldn't have been alone.]
[Ronan has never been particularly good at banishing taboo subjects from his mind, but it bears saying. Whatever happened with the double- it's over with. It doesn't mean that there shouldn't be any sort of fallout or emotions tangled up in the aftereffects, but it can't hurt them anymore, and Ronan doesn't hold Adam accountable for any of it.]
I'm here now- it's gone.
[He remembers the forced kiss in sickening detail, and the way that Adam had to steel himself up for it, the way that Adam had no choice- it strikes a rage in Ronan that he hasn't felt in a long time. But it's a rage at nothing, because the doubles are gone now, and there isn't anything he can do to get even.
His thumb brushes gently over Adam's lower lip, and he smiles a little wryly.]
But I get it, if you don't want to kiss that much for awhile.
[He doesn't quite know how to convey it - that it wasn't Ronan, that Adam has no intention of allowing that thing to damage what they have any more than it already did. This is Ronan, the real thing, his Ronan, and for all that that kiss was horrifying, for all that it made him sick - the fact that it looked like Ronan was the only reason he could do it at all. The fact that he could pretend, for just a moment, that he was kissing someone he loves.
He may not quickly forgive himself for kissing Ronan's murderer, but Ronan isn't the one who should suffer any effects from that.]
I'm not... happy about it. I hate it. But it wasn't you.
[He catches Ronan's hand and holds it gently for a moment before leaning in. He assumes, of course, that Ronan still wants to kiss him - on some level he knows there's a possibility that Ronan is the one who might be haunted, might not want that kind of intimacy. But in this moment he chooses to set aside that possibility so that he won't second-guess, so that he can press his lips to Ronan's with a soft confidence.]
[Ronan returns the kiss with ease, hopefully setting any lingering doubts in Adam's mind to rest. He reaches up with his free hand, resting his palm on the back of the other boy's neck, and listens to the sound of his heart pounding in his chest, the way Adam's presence often seems to make it.
It's good that Adam doesn't blame him for what his double did, refuses to let himself be traumatized by what the other Ronan forced him to do, but Ronan still feels bad about it. If he'd been better, stronger, faster- maybe Adam wouldn't have had to go through that. Maybe none of that would have happened.
It's no use trying to go back, though. He knows what happened and he knows that there's no changing it. All that he can do now is try to make up for it, which is why, when he breaks the kiss, he leans in a little for a second, deeper one, wrapping his arm more fully around Adam's shoulders and drawing him closer- intimate, affectionate, and full of relief all in one.]
[It's a relief to Adam as well, being in Ronan's arms again, kissing him. Adam has had to face death before - most notably Gansey - but knowing that someone is going to come back doesn't make the shock or the loss easier. And Ronan is the most important thing in this place, the most important person. Practically all Adam has left, especially now that Noah is gone.
He lets his hand fall and catches hold of Ronan's shirt, pulling him closer again for another kiss. It's not quite edging on desperate, but it's not far off - but Adam doesn't care. He is desperate right now, needing to reassure himself that Ronan won't be going anywhere, that they're together again.
When they part, he doesn't let go, though he doesn't drag Ronan in for another kiss, either.]
I know we talked about it before, but - will you stay with me from now on? Share a room, I mean.
[They'd made plans, but with everything that happens here, they haven't acted on them. Adam isn't sure if Ronan still needs his own space, but he wants this, he wants it to be real.]
We can stay here or find someplace smaller. I don't care. I just... I'll feel better if you're near.
[Ronan agrees readily to the kissing, tucking himself gently against Adam's side so that they can stay pressed together for the next little while. It's sweet and reassuring, and when Adam mentions staying in the same room, Ronan nods enthusiastically.]
Shit, I've had my sledgehammer ready for weeks.
[But the idea of moving is... a little new maybe, and Ronan gives pause at that. So much has happened in this house- there are bloodstains from the zombie attacks, broken cabinets from Ronan's tantrums and, of course, the ghosts of everyone who'd came and gone away again. There's still Gansey's Room and Noah's Room and Blue's mug and even the scuff mark Henry left on the table when he dropped a plate- the entire place is haunted by their friends, and Ronan had never even entertained the idea of leaving before.
He hesitates for a moment, but doesn't pull away from Adam, instead reaching a hand out for him and offering the other boy a slight smile.]
[He answers honestly. Adam is conflicted. A lot of bad things have happened here - a lot of very bad things. Losing his hand, finding Ronan's body, friends disappearing, a whole list of awful memories. But good things have happened too - laughter, Noah's glitter ending up in the strangest of places, chatting with Gansey, the warm domesticity they've somehow found themselves in. They kissed at him, but Ronan kissed him for the first time here, too, and - well, more.
The house itself is not in great shape, though Adam tries to keep it relatively clean and in semi-decent repair. But though he's not as bad as Ronan, he's still a teenage boy, and sometimes he just doesn't feel like repairing a broken drawer handle or scolding Aspen for chewing on the sofa. And it's true that it's too big for them now, that they're only two people who share a bed more often than not. They don't need a four-person house when one room would probably do.
But leaving would also feel like admitting the others might not come back, and Adam doesn't know if he's ready to do that.]
It would be more practical. But I guess what I really want is just to not have to think about whether we're staying together at night - I want to be able to fall asleep next to you without thinking about whether it's your bed or mine. It doesn't really matter where that happens.
[Ronan nods, not hesitating for a moment. This is something that he's wanted for a long while, and though he's also not sure about leaving this house that has so many memories- he's definitely sure about staying with Adam.]
So we get rid of a bed. No more question then.
[He says this as he leans in, slipping his fingers around Adam's neck to pull him closer and in for a moment of intimacy. They already sleep together most nights, but never without some form of confusion or hesitation- yours or mine, is tonight okay, did I wake you?- and it'd be nice to get rid of that entirely.
The rest of the house... well, they can decide that later. For now, it's the small things that he's choosing to focus on. Those are the things that are going to get him back up and running, after all of this.]
Hell, I'll light one up for you. We can push it into the street and start a bonfire.
[He leans in, resting his forehead against Ronan's, and smiles.]
I should have known this would eventually involve destruction of some kind. What if someone else wants an extra bed?
[The question is more amused than serious. If someone did want one, there are plenty of empty apartments it could be taken from, and those beds would be in better shape, not chewed on by dogs and pecked at by birds and used by two teenagers in a budding relationships.]
That might be fun, though.
[Adam thinks they both need some way to work some of this off, the pain and fear and loss, the powerlessness. Maybe it's silly, and maybe Ronan just said it as a joke, but Adam doesn't think it's a bad idea. He wants to do something mostly meaningless, something easy and silly that won't hurt them, and then he wants to climb in bed with Ronan afterward and kiss him and be able to wake up next to him and know that he's okay. Know that they're together.]
[Ronan says with a laugh- because really, if nobody needed Adam's bed before, they wouldn't need it now. And he's sure that Adam is going to refuse anyway, the idea was mostly in jest- so when Adam actually takes him up on it, he actually has to double take a little.]
...you think?
[Because really , it sounds fun to Ronan. He's always been a fan of destruction in general, and what better way to pay homage to this beautiful thing between them than to just set Adam's bed on fire? There's no going back after that, and if Ronan pisses Adam off, then... well, he can probably sleep on the couch or something. More incentive not to, at any rate.]
'cause I can drag it out right now. The frame isn't that heavy.
[It's impossible not to love how ready Ronan is to commit property destruction and light something on fire. And Adam already agreed, after all. If they're really going to start sharing a bed, sharing a room, they might as well start now. Before Adam can overthink things and change his mind - though he doesn't actually think he would.]
All right. Let's do it.
[It takes a bit of willpower to pull away from Ronan and stand up, but Adam manages, holding out a hand to help Ronan up too.]
I'll give you a hand.
[He's not gonna make Ronan do it himself. Figures their idea of a couples activity involves minor arson. Adam can list the rest of the things they've done that might also count as 'couples activities', and it's a little alarming how many of them involve breaking the law or coming very close. Ronan's better at making him be a little irresponsible than anyone else he's ever met.]
[Ronan grins- a reckless, stupidly bright thing, considering everything they've been through in the past few days- and reaches up to grab at Adam's hand, gripping onto the other boy's fingers hard enough to feel their bones press against one another and using his help to stand. He's savagely pleased, both with Adam deciding to let him burn the mattress, and with the actual act of getting rid of Adam's bed so that there can be no more excuses between them.
He leaves Adam's door propped open, moving into the other boy's room like he knows his way around (he does) and like he just has permission to gallivant in there whenever the mood strikes him (he does). The bed is- well, not perfectly made, but generally in a neater condition than Ronan's own.
If that throws him off then he doesn't show it, taking long strides toward the frame before reaching out and tugging at the mattress without bothering to do so much as remove the sheets.]
[He can't handle it when Ronan smiles like that. It pulls at every piece of his heart, it makes it impossible not to smile in return. He likes Ronan when he's glowering, when he's angry, when he's careless or indifferent, but when Ronan smiles like that - well, it's frankly unfair.
But Adam doesn't say anything, just tucks the memory of Ronan's smile away for later and follows him into Adam's room. He's amused that it's his bed that's being burned, really - not that it makes any difference. At this point, he spends at least as much time in Ronan's bed.]
Yeah, I can handle that.
[He helps Ronan balance the mattress first, getting it up off the bed, before getting to work on his own burden. The beds are big enough for two, but luckily not king-size - that wouldn't be much fun. As it is, handling either the mattress or the box is more than enough for one person, and it's a bit of an effort to follow Ronan out, dragging them through the living room and outside onto the street. Or path. Or whatever it is.]
[His arms ache a little from dragging and maneuvering the mattress all the way out onto the street- without the rigid form of the box spring, it flops around too easily and Ronan found himself having a little trouble with it. Still, they'd both made it out there in one piece, and Ronan lets the mattress fall to the dirt ground, before quickly jotting back inside to get a lighter.
This would be more fun with kerosene, but they don't have anything more flammable than regular fabric and springs, and so Ronan briefly regrets not planning better for this. But it's spontaneous and fun and it's a good way for them both to forget what had happened to Ronan- or at least overwrite it with a better memory- and so he settles for grabbing at the matches and moves back outside.
It'd be gentlemanly to let Adam do the honors, but Ronan thinks that he'd enjoy it more, and so he strikes one of the matches and tosses it into the middle of the bed, his eyes lighting up at the casual destruction in front of him.]
We have something kind of like hot dogs. Maybe vegan though, or some weird alien meat.
[But they came in a package, and Aspen was happy to test them first, so Adam at least knows they're edible.]
If you want to get creative.
[He's smiling - just a little, but it's a genuine smile, something that seemed impossible not so long ago. When Ronan was dead, and his double was running around, and Adam was living with all of that. But Ronan is back, and it's all over, and they can get back to something resembling happiness. They'll be together, at least, and Adam has silently vowed that he won't ever let anything like that happen to Ronan again. No matter what he has to do.
He was perfectly happy to let Ronan indulge his love of arson, and he's perfectly happy now to watch most of his bed burn. It's a big step, a rather final one, for all that they've been regularly sharing a bed for months now. But he doesn't feel any uncertainty or regret - just amusement that this is how it goes, that somehow it involves fire and property destruction. That and a quiet contentment at having Ronan next to him.]
[He chides, though he's sure that Adam probably feels the same way. They have to make do with what they have though, and Ronan doesn't feel like running back inside in order to get the weird maybe-vegan, maybe-alien-meat substance to toast over the open flames.
It spreads slower than he'd have thought, but Ronan thinks that they have plenty of time to just relax and watch as the flames crackle higher into the evening air of the cave. Adam is warm and happy next to him, and if nothing else then Ronan is glad that he was able to get the opportunity to take the other boy's mind off of what had happened, even if he'd done it with arson. Well... maybe he's extra happy because he got to do it with arson. Oh well.]
Here- sit down.
[Ronan shuffles downward to sit on the rocks, wrapping his arms around his legs and reaching for a nearby pebble to toss into the flames.]
[He lowers himself down on the rocks next to Ronan. Right now there's nothing he wants to do but sit here and watch the fire. Maybe this can be symbolic - the fire burning away everything that's happened. It's not so easy, of course, it can't all disappear so quickly. But it helps.]
I can do that.
[Adam sits close, right up against Ronan's side, and slips an arm around him, at his waist. It's a quiet gesture, but Adam feel like right now touching Ronan is what he needs. A solid reminder that they're together, that Ronan came back to him and - eventually - things might be okay.]
I'll keep an eye out for marshmallows. You know, for the next time we decide to burn something.
[He sounds amused, but it's not entirely a joke. Who knows when they'll need - or want - to do something like this again?]
[Ronan stops himself from saying that next time will probably happen sooner than he thinks, what with Ronan's own propensity for petty destruction. Arson has never quite been his MO, but he can't say that it's unpleasant, sitting here with Adam with the heat of the fire blanketing over them both.
He settles into Adam's shoulder, the anxiety and guilt and desperation from earlier slowly fading away and letting his posture go slack. Adam is warm and alive and Ronan is alive too, despite feeling death creep in around him just a few days ago, and right now, the fact that he can see Adam again, that he can touch him and smell his scent and still be here- it's overwhelming.
So he leans in, pressing a soft kiss to the underside of Adam's jaw.]
I love you.
[He doesn't say it very often, but this is is a special occasion that makes it worth repeating twice in one conversation. It's softer this time, tinged in a little awe, ready to fall back into their normal rhythm after he's done being so fucking appreciative of what he has right now- Adam's arm around him, Adam's warmth pressing against him, the heat and light of the fire and the knowledge that this isn't going to be stopped by something as simple as death.]
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He'd wondered if he'd see him again, wondered if this monster who looked like him would hurt the other boy. It was devastating, knowing that he wouldn't be around to protect him and now that he knows what the bastard did, it's almost worse. He'd wondered, in the moment, if he would come back, or if Adam would have to go through losing him. The thought alone, of Adam trying to survive by himself as the last of all of them... well, that was too much to bear.
Luckily, he didn't have to bear it for long.]
Parrish, [he finally mumbles, reaching for Adam's fingers on his scalp and pulling his hand down so that Ronan can press his lips against the other boy's palms, in boundless devotion.]
I'd go to blows with the devil himself to come back to you. Don't doubt that.
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He doesn't have words to express how he feels having Ronan back. He's not sure there's a proper vocabulary in any language.]
I never doubt you.
[He only speaks once he can be sure his voice won't break - once he can be fairly sure Ronan won't hear how close he came to tears. It's still a little hoarse, but that can't be helped. He reaches out, slipping his arms around Ronan, holding on to him.
Ronan doesn't hate him for what he did, doesn't hate him for not realizing what happened. He's always known that Ronan's devotion goes deep, but Adam second-guesses himself, thinks that he does not deserve it the way people like Gansey and Noah do. It's not that he really thought Ronan would turn away from him - just like he didn't genuinely believe Ronan wouldn't come back. But there was always the smallest sliver of possibility, and that haunted him while he was alone, struggling with everything that happened.
But the loss of Ronan was the most difficult of all of it. They've grown so close. Adam has never loved someone like this before, has never been loved like this. Losing that would have destroyed part of him, and he knows it. But Ronan is here now.]
I love you.
[He still says it so rarely, but he needs to now.]
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But Adam says it, which means something- that he feels it particularly strongly at that moment, that he's overcome or relieved or all of the above. It means that Ronan ought to say it back, and so he nods like he understands the purpose of Adam telling him such a thing, and leans in, pressing their foreheads together.]
I love you too.
[Ronan snakes an arm around Adam's waist at that point and he nuzzles their cheeks together in a gesture of affection. He knows how terrified Adam was- he remembers the double doing cruel things to him- and he knows that a heartfelt embrace after the fact isn't going to erase everything, but it's a start.
He closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath.]
I'm here. I'm not gonna leave you again.
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But it means that Ronan is back with him. That they can move on from this, even if it isn't instant, even if Adam still feels like he has things to make up for. Even though he's sure that Ronan's death, the brutality and horror of it, must haunt him. Ronan has been through so much already. Why this, too? Adam would have done anything to protect him from it if he could.
He'll do his best to be sure it never happens again. That no one hurts Ronan like that again, for both of their sakes.]
I'm not gonna let you get hurt again.
[He's still holding on to Ronan. He doesn't want to let go. Ronan is more real when Adam is touching him, and for all that the impostor and the real thing are identical, Adam thinks he would know the difference now. That nothing else could touch him the same way the real Ronan does.]
Are you - all healed? You aren't hurt anywhere?
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[He says earnestly, and for the most part he is. Sore here and there, tired more than anything, but he wants to make sure that Adam is alright before making any of his needs known.
The promise is sweet too, and the meaning of it is genuine, but Ronan isn't sure if not getting hurt is even a possibility here anymore. If it came between him and Adam- well, he knows what he'd do, no matter how much it would upset the other boy. Pain in this place is common, and he's beginning to understand that there's just no avoiding it, no matter how careful they are.
The thought makes him squeeze Adam for a moment, tight and clingy, before he sighs and lets his arm drop.]
I'm glad it didn't hurt you.
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[He doesn't know how else to express this. It hurt Ronan, and that hurt him as well - so deeply. Adam still remembers so vividly that moment when he realized what was going on, when the world froze for a second. When he found Ronan's body, and he had to try to keep himself together. He remembers it with brutal clarity. That, and the collapse afterward.
He lets got of Ronan, finally, though he doesn't really want to. Instead, Adam looks at him. He doesn't say what he's thinking - you're all I have or you mean more to me than anything else in this place or I don't want to be here without you. All of it is true, but it's placing a burden on Ronan's shoulders, making him responsible for Adam's happiness and stability here. And that isn't fair.
Adam has survived everything else in his life. He would find a way to survive losing Ronan too. But it might break him.]
I shouldn't have let it go, but I couldn't hurt it. It looked just like you.
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He can only imagine what it must be like to have to kiss it, to make some form of affection seem genuine, just to get it to go away. Ronan likes to think that he'd have killed it, but after the whole fiasco with the other Adam... well, he's not sure anymore.
Ronan reaches up, pressing his palm against Adam's cheek, brushing his hair gently aside.]
You stayed safe. That's all that matters, no matter what it made you do.
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That he let it touch him. That he kissed it. It was necessary, Adam knows, but that doesn't make him feel any better. It helps that Ronan doesn't blame him for it, and it helps so much that Ronan is back with him - it'll keep him from sinking into regret and self hatred. But it doesn't fix everything in an instant.]
I couldn't stop thinking about you all alone. How I should have known.
[He couldn't stop thinking about Ronan dying alone. If nothing else, Adam wishes he could have been there. Ronan shouldn't have been alone.]
I'm just - I'm sorry.
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[Ronan has never been particularly good at banishing taboo subjects from his mind, but it bears saying. Whatever happened with the double- it's over with. It doesn't mean that there shouldn't be any sort of fallout or emotions tangled up in the aftereffects, but it can't hurt them anymore, and Ronan doesn't hold Adam accountable for any of it.]
I'm here now- it's gone.
[He remembers the forced kiss in sickening detail, and the way that Adam had to steel himself up for it, the way that Adam had no choice- it strikes a rage in Ronan that he hasn't felt in a long time. But it's a rage at nothing, because the doubles are gone now, and there isn't anything he can do to get even.
His thumb brushes gently over Adam's lower lip, and he smiles a little wryly.]
But I get it, if you don't want to kiss that much for awhile.
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[He doesn't quite know how to convey it - that it wasn't Ronan, that Adam has no intention of allowing that thing to damage what they have any more than it already did. This is Ronan, the real thing, his Ronan, and for all that that kiss was horrifying, for all that it made him sick - the fact that it looked like Ronan was the only reason he could do it at all. The fact that he could pretend, for just a moment, that he was kissing someone he loves.
He may not quickly forgive himself for kissing Ronan's murderer, but Ronan isn't the one who should suffer any effects from that.]
I'm not... happy about it. I hate it. But it wasn't you.
[He catches Ronan's hand and holds it gently for a moment before leaning in. He assumes, of course, that Ronan still wants to kiss him - on some level he knows there's a possibility that Ronan is the one who might be haunted, might not want that kind of intimacy. But in this moment he chooses to set aside that possibility so that he won't second-guess, so that he can press his lips to Ronan's with a soft confidence.]
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It's good that Adam doesn't blame him for what his double did, refuses to let himself be traumatized by what the other Ronan forced him to do, but Ronan still feels bad about it. If he'd been better, stronger, faster- maybe Adam wouldn't have had to go through that. Maybe none of that would have happened.
It's no use trying to go back, though. He knows what happened and he knows that there's no changing it. All that he can do now is try to make up for it, which is why, when he breaks the kiss, he leans in a little for a second, deeper one, wrapping his arm more fully around Adam's shoulders and drawing him closer- intimate, affectionate, and full of relief all in one.]
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He lets his hand fall and catches hold of Ronan's shirt, pulling him closer again for another kiss. It's not quite edging on desperate, but it's not far off - but Adam doesn't care. He is desperate right now, needing to reassure himself that Ronan won't be going anywhere, that they're together again.
When they part, he doesn't let go, though he doesn't drag Ronan in for another kiss, either.]
I know we talked about it before, but - will you stay with me from now on? Share a room, I mean.
[They'd made plans, but with everything that happens here, they haven't acted on them. Adam isn't sure if Ronan still needs his own space, but he wants this, he wants it to be real.]
We can stay here or find someplace smaller. I don't care. I just... I'll feel better if you're near.
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Shit, I've had my sledgehammer ready for weeks.
[But the idea of moving is... a little new maybe, and Ronan gives pause at that. So much has happened in this house- there are bloodstains from the zombie attacks, broken cabinets from Ronan's tantrums and, of course, the ghosts of everyone who'd came and gone away again. There's still Gansey's Room and Noah's Room and Blue's mug and even the scuff mark Henry left on the table when he dropped a plate- the entire place is haunted by their friends, and Ronan had never even entertained the idea of leaving before.
He hesitates for a moment, but doesn't pull away from Adam, instead reaching a hand out for him and offering the other boy a slight smile.]
Do you want to move?
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[He answers honestly. Adam is conflicted. A lot of bad things have happened here - a lot of very bad things. Losing his hand, finding Ronan's body, friends disappearing, a whole list of awful memories. But good things have happened too - laughter, Noah's glitter ending up in the strangest of places, chatting with Gansey, the warm domesticity they've somehow found themselves in. They kissed at him, but Ronan kissed him for the first time here, too, and - well, more.
The house itself is not in great shape, though Adam tries to keep it relatively clean and in semi-decent repair. But though he's not as bad as Ronan, he's still a teenage boy, and sometimes he just doesn't feel like repairing a broken drawer handle or scolding Aspen for chewing on the sofa. And it's true that it's too big for them now, that they're only two people who share a bed more often than not. They don't need a four-person house when one room would probably do.
But leaving would also feel like admitting the others might not come back, and Adam doesn't know if he's ready to do that.]
It would be more practical. But I guess what I really want is just to not have to think about whether we're staying together at night - I want to be able to fall asleep next to you without thinking about whether it's your bed or mine. It doesn't really matter where that happens.
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So we get rid of a bed. No more question then.
[He says this as he leans in, slipping his fingers around Adam's neck to pull him closer and in for a moment of intimacy. They already sleep together most nights, but never without some form of confusion or hesitation- yours or mine, is tonight okay, did I wake you?- and it'd be nice to get rid of that entirely.
The rest of the house... well, they can decide that later. For now, it's the small things that he's choosing to focus on. Those are the things that are going to get him back up and running, after all of this.]
Hell, I'll light one up for you. We can push it into the street and start a bonfire.
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I should have known this would eventually involve destruction of some kind. What if someone else wants an extra bed?
[The question is more amused than serious. If someone did want one, there are plenty of empty apartments it could be taken from, and those beds would be in better shape, not chewed on by dogs and pecked at by birds and used by two teenagers in a budding relationships.]
That might be fun, though.
[Adam thinks they both need some way to work some of this off, the pain and fear and loss, the powerlessness. Maybe it's silly, and maybe Ronan just said it as a joke, but Adam doesn't think it's a bad idea. He wants to do something mostly meaningless, something easy and silly that won't hurt them, and then he wants to climb in bed with Ronan afterward and kiss him and be able to wake up next to him and know that he's okay. Know that they're together.]
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[Ronan says with a laugh- because really, if nobody needed Adam's bed before, they wouldn't need it now. And he's sure that Adam is going to refuse anyway, the idea was mostly in jest- so when Adam actually takes him up on it, he actually has to double take a little.]
...you think?
[Because really , it sounds fun to Ronan. He's always been a fan of destruction in general, and what better way to pay homage to this beautiful thing between them than to just set Adam's bed on fire? There's no going back after that, and if Ronan pisses Adam off, then... well, he can probably sleep on the couch or something. More incentive not to, at any rate.]
'cause I can drag it out right now. The frame isn't that heavy.
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All right. Let's do it.
[It takes a bit of willpower to pull away from Ronan and stand up, but Adam manages, holding out a hand to help Ronan up too.]
I'll give you a hand.
[He's not gonna make Ronan do it himself. Figures their idea of a couples activity involves minor arson. Adam can list the rest of the things they've done that might also count as 'couples activities', and it's a little alarming how many of them involve breaking the law or coming very close. Ronan's better at making him be a little irresponsible than anyone else he's ever met.]
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He leaves Adam's door propped open, moving into the other boy's room like he knows his way around (he does) and like he just has permission to gallivant in there whenever the mood strikes him (he does). The bed is- well, not perfectly made, but generally in a neater condition than Ronan's own.
If that throws him off then he doesn't show it, taking long strides toward the frame before reaching out and tugging at the mattress without bothering to do so much as remove the sheets.]
You wanna get the box beneath? Follow me out?
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But Adam doesn't say anything, just tucks the memory of Ronan's smile away for later and follows him into Adam's room. He's amused that it's his bed that's being burned, really - not that it makes any difference. At this point, he spends at least as much time in Ronan's bed.]
Yeah, I can handle that.
[He helps Ronan balance the mattress first, getting it up off the bed, before getting to work on his own burden. The beds are big enough for two, but luckily not king-size - that wouldn't be much fun. As it is, handling either the mattress or the box is more than enough for one person, and it's a bit of an effort to follow Ronan out, dragging them through the living room and outside onto the street. Or path. Or whatever it is.]
Here's probably good.
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[His arms ache a little from dragging and maneuvering the mattress all the way out onto the street- without the rigid form of the box spring, it flops around too easily and Ronan found himself having a little trouble with it. Still, they'd both made it out there in one piece, and Ronan lets the mattress fall to the dirt ground, before quickly jotting back inside to get a lighter.
This would be more fun with kerosene, but they don't have anything more flammable than regular fabric and springs, and so Ronan briefly regrets not planning better for this. But it's spontaneous and fun and it's a good way for them both to forget what had happened to Ronan- or at least overwrite it with a better memory- and so he settles for grabbing at the matches and moves back outside.
It'd be gentlemanly to let Adam do the honors, but Ronan thinks that he'd enjoy it more, and so he strikes one of the matches and tosses it into the middle of the bed, his eyes lighting up at the casual destruction in front of him.]
Shame we don't have marshmallows.
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[But they came in a package, and Aspen was happy to test them first, so Adam at least knows they're edible.]
If you want to get creative.
[He's smiling - just a little, but it's a genuine smile, something that seemed impossible not so long ago. When Ronan was dead, and his double was running around, and Adam was living with all of that. But Ronan is back, and it's all over, and they can get back to something resembling happiness. They'll be together, at least, and Adam has silently vowed that he won't ever let anything like that happen to Ronan again. No matter what he has to do.
He was perfectly happy to let Ronan indulge his love of arson, and he's perfectly happy now to watch most of his bed burn. It's a big step, a rather final one, for all that they've been regularly sharing a bed for months now. But he doesn't feel any uncertainty or regret - just amusement that this is how it goes, that somehow it involves fire and property destruction. That and a quiet contentment at having Ronan next to him.]
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[He chides, though he's sure that Adam probably feels the same way. They have to make do with what they have though, and Ronan doesn't feel like running back inside in order to get the weird maybe-vegan, maybe-alien-meat substance to toast over the open flames.
It spreads slower than he'd have thought, but Ronan thinks that they have plenty of time to just relax and watch as the flames crackle higher into the evening air of the cave. Adam is warm and happy next to him, and if nothing else then Ronan is glad that he was able to get the opportunity to take the other boy's mind off of what had happened, even if he'd done it with arson. Well... maybe he's extra happy because he got to do it with arson. Oh well.]
Here- sit down.
[Ronan shuffles downward to sit on the rocks, wrapping his arms around his legs and reaching for a nearby pebble to toss into the flames.]
Hang out with me.
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I can do that.
[Adam sits close, right up against Ronan's side, and slips an arm around him, at his waist. It's a quiet gesture, but Adam feel like right now touching Ronan is what he needs. A solid reminder that they're together, that Ronan came back to him and - eventually - things might be okay.]
I'll keep an eye out for marshmallows. You know, for the next time we decide to burn something.
[He sounds amused, but it's not entirely a joke. Who knows when they'll need - or want - to do something like this again?]
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He settles into Adam's shoulder, the anxiety and guilt and desperation from earlier slowly fading away and letting his posture go slack. Adam is warm and alive and Ronan is alive too, despite feeling death creep in around him just a few days ago, and right now, the fact that he can see Adam again, that he can touch him and smell his scent and still be here- it's overwhelming.
So he leans in, pressing a soft kiss to the underside of Adam's jaw.]
I love you.
[He doesn't say it very often, but this is is a special occasion that makes it worth repeating twice in one conversation. It's softer this time, tinged in a little awe, ready to fall back into their normal rhythm after he's done being so fucking appreciative of what he has right now- Adam's arm around him, Adam's warmth pressing against him, the heat and light of the fire and the knowledge that this isn't going to be stopped by something as simple as death.]
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