[ It's a question that Gansey should have expected. He should have seen it coming, should have seen in Ronan's face that it was coming. He didn't, though.
He looks up, startled, and the expression shutters away as soon as it comes. After a moment, it changes, and there are signs of a fracture in Gansey's mask. A smile that's slightly crooked. The way his eyes soften behind his glasses. The way a line appears between his eyebrows.
He gets up, abandoning spaghetti that's starting to congeal. He goes to Ronan, leaning against the wall beside him, and he slides his fingertips into his pockets. ]
No. Of course it doesn't.
We've never talked about it. But I'm not surprised, Ronan. And even if I were, do you think it would matter? I'm not...like that.
[ There's a moment where it feels absurd to Gansey to have to explain that. Of course he's not like that. Ronan is his best friend. He wouldn't care if Ronan wanted to date only girls, or only boys, or both. It never would have mattered.
Ronan's happiness, though. That matters. So does Adam's, and that's why he cares about them liking each other. Gansey lets his head tilt slightly to one side. ]
[He confirms, and then scoffs quietly at this whole conversation- because Ronan has never vied for anyone's approval except for his father's, and this should be no different. Of course Gansey isn't bothered, he wasn't before and he isn't now, and Ronan knew that, but it's still- it's difficult to know how everything stands, and even if he knows, it's difficult to be sure unless he's told.
There's still a relief, a slight loosening in his chest, and Ronan closes his eyes and exhales as it sinks its way into his shoulders, his fingertips. Gansey next to him feels like solidarity somehow, and Ronan gathers himself up again, puts everything back in the proper place, and shrugs.]
I'll talk to him.
[It's still kind of quiet, but it's said like he's giving in, like Gansey has worn him down enough to agree to be an adult about this. He probably has. Gansey is good at that sort of thing.]
[ He pauses, shifting his weight a little. Then, seeming to decide something, he reaches to put his hand on Ronan’s shoulder, at the edge of his neck. It’s firm and deliberate, a hold that he gently squeezes. ]
Look, I know you hate talking about this. We can, though, if you ever want to. I’m not going to be bothered.
[ And he’s not going to judge, that’s what he means. Gansey doesn’t always approve of everything Ronan does, but he’ll never not be his friend. He’ll never not be on his side. That’s just not how it works. ]
It’s just me. You can always talk to me.
[ He drops his hand, not wanting to put more pressure on Ronan than he has already. This isn’t a demand, it’s an offer – whether Ronan ever takes him up on it or not. ]
[Gansey's hand is warm on his shoulder and Ronan breathes out, feeling the curl of Gansey's fingers over a sharp thorn of his tattoo. And he does know, really. Ronan can show up on Gansey's doorstep with a body, and he's certain that Gansey will help him dig a grave- maybe panicky, maybe uncertain, but he'd help. He'd stay at his side, he'd keep believing, no matter how far into the darkness Ronan went, when everyone else had given up on him.
That's something that Ronan appreciates, even if he rarely acknowledges it. Gansey's kindness, Gansey's unflinching belief. It means more to him than he knows how to say.
He opens his mouth, and for a moment, no sound comes out. Ronan inhales, trying to think of something, but putting words to emotion is something he's never really known how to do. Actions are easier. Actions describe more than anything he could say, and he goes weak for a moment, finally finding something to say.]
-I paid off the nuns for his rent. In Henrietta. He blamed you for it. [He doesn't know what he's trying to convey, but he wants to- paint a picture, at least, for Gansey. To show him how long this had been going on, to show him the depth of this.] I went to his place sometimes, after K died, slept on the fucking floor. I took him to the Barns.
[He shakes his head, exhaling quick through his nose.]
Shit, man. I don't know what the fuck I'd say to him.
[ Gansey lets him talk, and as he does, certain pieces start to fit into place. That day when Adam had fought with him over the rent. Noah had disappeared immediately after that, and then there had been so many other fights, each grander than the last, that he hadn't gone back to the first. Of course, the answer had been in front of him all along. Adam's apartment was attached to the church Ronan attended every week. He had connections with everyone involved in that place. It wouldn't surprise him if that was how Adam had found out about that place originally; after all, it had been Ronan who helped him move in. Of course Ronan had paid off the rent. And of course he'd been with Adam during those moments when he was missing, moments when Gansey assumed he must have been street racing, or perhaps with his brother.
He'd been with Adam. Which means that these feelings of Ronan's have been there for months, building quietly.
And Adam thought that Ronan didn't like him.
Gansey leans back, a soft and brief laugh breathing its way out of him. He's damned oblivious when he wants to be. How much of this had he seen, and just accepted without question? How much had he missed altogether? He's not even sure.
But he'd known that Ronan was loyal. That he was good, that his care for the people in his life was unshakeable. It's why the picture Adam painted of him hadn't made sense. But Adam doesn't see, because he's too busy hating himself to think that anyone else could love him.
Like Ronan does. Like Ronan always has, maybe.
Gansey doesn't say anything for a moment. This is the Ronan he's been looking for. The caring, deeply good side of Ronan that he'd buried so deeply when he lost Niall. Gansey had always wanted to bring it back, but in the end, it wasn't him who could have reached it.
At length, he turns a crooked smile up to his friend. ]
So show him, then. He doesn't see himself like you do. He doesn't see his worth, but you do.
Jesus, Ronan. All this time.
[ He falls quiet again, thinking it over. Then, with slightly less gravity: ]
You know you could've told me you were sleeping over, and not burning rubber on Kavinsky's old crew. Do you even know how many nights I worried about that? And you were on Parrish's damned wooden floor, instead.
[Show him. Now there's a good answer. Ronan rarely knows how to speak in words, but his actions are more genuine to him than anything that could come out of his mouth. He'll have to figure something out, have to figure out what to show him, how to show him, but the prospect of that is far easier than one of trying to find the words to explain it to anyone.
So Ronan nods, allowing himself to take the advice for what it is, mulling over it for a moment before returning to Gansey's quiet expression.
There's an answer somewhere there, written in Gansey's face. It brings forward something that Ronan had suspected all along- that he hadn't known. It isn't that Ronan really tried to keep his growing friendship with Adam a secret, but rather that it felt like a private part of his life, a part that he didn't need to bring out into the open and confront in Gansey's presence.
On some level, it's strange, having parts of his life that Gansey doesn't know about. Even with the street racing, the drinking, the fights, Gansey had known. He hadn't approved, but he'd disapproved quietly, so long as Ronan remembered his promise. With this... growing situation with Adam, Ronan just hadn't been able to say it, to bring it to light, because when has he ever admitted something without there being a reason for it? And Gansey had been so wrapped up in the search for Glendower, in his own dealings, in... something else, that Ronan hadn't thought to bring it up.
All of this is stark and suddenly, it's as if the last eleven months ceased to exist and Ronan was looking down at Gansey again, dangled over a sea of endless darkness in that cave.
He'd felt so far from him, then. Too far to help. Too far to do any good. And in the months since, in fighting Noah, in burying Gansey, in keeping Adam's secrets from Gansey, in growing closer to Adam- that rift had only grown.
His stomach pulls at the realization, like a rope tied to his insides has just yanked, and he struggles to pull himself back to the current conversation, to Gansey's light chiding and the understanding of just how long Ronan has been spiraling around Adam.]
You never asked.
[Just as light- though of course, Gansey would have assumed. Ronan knows what Gansey assumed, and he kept letting him do it. He doesn't know what that says about either of them.
In the end, he shrugs.]
But you know now. And- [there's a weighty pause there, one that Ronan punctuates with a jab of a nod.] -thanks.
[ He hadn’t asked. It never would have occurred to Gansey to ask, in no small part because Ronan has never actually dated anyone while they’ve known each other. He should have seen it, though. They’re his best friends. He should have seen this building between them, known what to expect.
He’d been so busy worrying over what they’d think about him and Blue, hiding his own feelings, and then on the other hand, absorbing himself in a quest that seemed to be spiralling further and further out of his control, that he’d missed something obvious. And of course, there’s the time he’d spent away from them, too. Eleven months when they’d been together, and he’d been with them, in theory, but he might as well not have been for all that it matters now. Had he known during that time?
Suddenly, he misses the time when everything was simpler than this. Gansey feels like he keeps doing that, keeps wishing for things to go back the way they used to be, and of course that never happens. He can’t dwell on it. He has to go onwards and upwards, like always. That’s his mantra, the thing he tells himself, and the thing he tells all of them. But even though he knows it, he’s still never been all that good at change. ]
I didn’t. [ He smiles up at Ronan. ] I should have. I don’t want a gap between us.
[ That would be difficult with all of them – but with Ronan, its hardest of all. It’s been the two of them for the longest. He knows that change does not have to mean loss.
Even though it usually does. Even though it always threatens to. ]
Don’t thank me, though. [ An arch look, which he hopes betrays little of that worry. ] Just…let me know how it goes.
[Ronan shrugs nonchalant, but in truth, he doesn't want a gap between them either. It would be devastating, after all that they've gone through with one another, before any of the others were even in the picture. With all that they've done- mostly, what Gansey has done for him, if he's being honest.
He doesn't know what to say to it though, other than to simply agree and so he nods, and then nods again at Gansey's request. As much as he doesn't like talking about things like this, it's probably for the best if Gansey is at least aware of the situation as it unfolds, just so that he can avoid any minefields before he steps into them, this time.]
Sure.
[With that being said, Ronan offers his fist out to crash against Gansey's own, the conversation effectively over. It feels... better, actually, to have gotten that out in the open. For Gansey to know, for Gansey to accept it, to want this for them.
Besides, Ronan got some good advice out of this himself. Now, it's just a matter of trying to figure out how to apply it.]
[ Gansey bumps his fist on Ronan’s, and feels that much better about all of this. They’ll be okay. Regardless of how all of this happened, it’s less likely to come between them now that he knows it’s there. He wouldn’t have wanted that secret to be sitting – and he couldn’t have left it, anyway, knowing what Adam thought had happened.
Maybe they’ll fix it now. Maybe they’ll be together. That part is up to them. So long as they’re happy, Gansey will be too. ]
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no subject
He looks up, startled, and the expression shutters away as soon as it comes. After a moment, it changes, and there are signs of a fracture in Gansey's mask. A smile that's slightly crooked. The way his eyes soften behind his glasses. The way a line appears between his eyebrows.
He gets up, abandoning spaghetti that's starting to congeal. He goes to Ronan, leaning against the wall beside him, and he slides his fingertips into his pockets. ]
No. Of course it doesn't.
We've never talked about it. But I'm not surprised, Ronan. And even if I were, do you think it would matter? I'm not...like that.
[ There's a moment where it feels absurd to Gansey to have to explain that. Of course he's not like that. Ronan is his best friend. He wouldn't care if Ronan wanted to date only girls, or only boys, or both. It never would have mattered.
Ronan's happiness, though. That matters. So does Adam's, and that's why he cares about them liking each other. Gansey lets his head tilt slightly to one side. ]
It wouldn't bother you, if this were me.
no subject
[He confirms, and then scoffs quietly at this whole conversation- because Ronan has never vied for anyone's approval except for his father's, and this should be no different. Of course Gansey isn't bothered, he wasn't before and he isn't now, and Ronan knew that, but it's still- it's difficult to know how everything stands, and even if he knows, it's difficult to be sure unless he's told.
There's still a relief, a slight loosening in his chest, and Ronan closes his eyes and exhales as it sinks its way into his shoulders, his fingertips. Gansey next to him feels like solidarity somehow, and Ronan gathers himself up again, puts everything back in the proper place, and shrugs.]
I'll talk to him.
[It's still kind of quiet, but it's said like he's giving in, like Gansey has worn him down enough to agree to be an adult about this. He probably has. Gansey is good at that sort of thing.]
Is that it?
no subject
That’s it.
[ He pauses, shifting his weight a little. Then, seeming to decide something, he reaches to put his hand on Ronan’s shoulder, at the edge of his neck. It’s firm and deliberate, a hold that he gently squeezes. ]
Look, I know you hate talking about this. We can, though, if you ever want to. I’m not going to be bothered.
[ And he’s not going to judge, that’s what he means. Gansey doesn’t always approve of everything Ronan does, but he’ll never not be his friend. He’ll never not be on his side. That’s just not how it works. ]
It’s just me. You can always talk to me.
[ He drops his hand, not wanting to put more pressure on Ronan than he has already. This isn’t a demand, it’s an offer – whether Ronan ever takes him up on it or not. ]
no subject
[Gansey's hand is warm on his shoulder and Ronan breathes out, feeling the curl of Gansey's fingers over a sharp thorn of his tattoo. And he does know, really. Ronan can show up on Gansey's doorstep with a body, and he's certain that Gansey will help him dig a grave- maybe panicky, maybe uncertain, but he'd help. He'd stay at his side, he'd keep believing, no matter how far into the darkness Ronan went, when everyone else had given up on him.
That's something that Ronan appreciates, even if he rarely acknowledges it. Gansey's kindness, Gansey's unflinching belief. It means more to him than he knows how to say.
He opens his mouth, and for a moment, no sound comes out. Ronan inhales, trying to think of something, but putting words to emotion is something he's never really known how to do. Actions are easier. Actions describe more than anything he could say, and he goes weak for a moment, finally finding something to say.]
-I paid off the nuns for his rent. In Henrietta. He blamed you for it. [He doesn't know what he's trying to convey, but he wants to- paint a picture, at least, for Gansey. To show him how long this had been going on, to show him the depth of this.] I went to his place sometimes, after K died, slept on the fucking floor. I took him to the Barns.
[He shakes his head, exhaling quick through his nose.]
Shit, man. I don't know what the fuck I'd say to him.
no subject
He'd been with Adam. Which means that these feelings of Ronan's have been there for months, building quietly.
And Adam thought that Ronan didn't like him.
Gansey leans back, a soft and brief laugh breathing its way out of him. He's damned oblivious when he wants to be. How much of this had he seen, and just accepted without question? How much had he missed altogether? He's not even sure.
But he'd known that Ronan was loyal. That he was good, that his care for the people in his life was unshakeable. It's why the picture Adam painted of him hadn't made sense. But Adam doesn't see, because he's too busy hating himself to think that anyone else could love him.
Like Ronan does. Like Ronan always has, maybe.
Gansey doesn't say anything for a moment. This is the Ronan he's been looking for. The caring, deeply good side of Ronan that he'd buried so deeply when he lost Niall. Gansey had always wanted to bring it back, but in the end, it wasn't him who could have reached it.
At length, he turns a crooked smile up to his friend. ]
So show him, then. He doesn't see himself like you do. He doesn't see his worth, but you do.
Jesus, Ronan. All this time.
[ He falls quiet again, thinking it over. Then, with slightly less gravity: ]
You know you could've told me you were sleeping over, and not burning rubber on Kavinsky's old crew. Do you even know how many nights I worried about that? And you were on Parrish's damned wooden floor, instead.
no subject
So Ronan nods, allowing himself to take the advice for what it is, mulling over it for a moment before returning to Gansey's quiet expression.
There's an answer somewhere there, written in Gansey's face. It brings forward something that Ronan had suspected all along- that he hadn't known. It isn't that Ronan really tried to keep his growing friendship with Adam a secret, but rather that it felt like a private part of his life, a part that he didn't need to bring out into the open and confront in Gansey's presence.
On some level, it's strange, having parts of his life that Gansey doesn't know about. Even with the street racing, the drinking, the fights, Gansey had known. He hadn't approved, but he'd disapproved quietly, so long as Ronan remembered his promise. With this... growing situation with Adam, Ronan just hadn't been able to say it, to bring it to light, because when has he ever admitted something without there being a reason for it? And Gansey had been so wrapped up in the search for Glendower, in his own dealings, in... something else, that Ronan hadn't thought to bring it up.
All of this is stark and suddenly, it's as if the last eleven months ceased to exist and Ronan was looking down at Gansey again, dangled over a sea of endless darkness in that cave.
He'd felt so far from him, then. Too far to help. Too far to do any good. And in the months since, in fighting Noah, in burying Gansey, in keeping Adam's secrets from Gansey, in growing closer to Adam- that rift had only grown.
His stomach pulls at the realization, like a rope tied to his insides has just yanked, and he struggles to pull himself back to the current conversation, to Gansey's light chiding and the understanding of just how long Ronan has been spiraling around Adam.]
You never asked.
[Just as light- though of course, Gansey would have assumed. Ronan knows what Gansey assumed, and he kept letting him do it. He doesn't know what that says about either of them.
In the end, he shrugs.]
But you know now. And- [there's a weighty pause there, one that Ronan punctuates with a jab of a nod.] -thanks.
no subject
He’d been so busy worrying over what they’d think about him and Blue, hiding his own feelings, and then on the other hand, absorbing himself in a quest that seemed to be spiralling further and further out of his control, that he’d missed something obvious. And of course, there’s the time he’d spent away from them, too. Eleven months when they’d been together, and he’d been with them, in theory, but he might as well not have been for all that it matters now. Had he known during that time?
Suddenly, he misses the time when everything was simpler than this. Gansey feels like he keeps doing that, keeps wishing for things to go back the way they used to be, and of course that never happens. He can’t dwell on it. He has to go onwards and upwards, like always. That’s his mantra, the thing he tells himself, and the thing he tells all of them. But even though he knows it, he’s still never been all that good at change. ]
I didn’t. [ He smiles up at Ronan. ] I should have. I don’t want a gap between us.
[ That would be difficult with all of them – but with Ronan, its hardest of all. It’s been the two of them for the longest. He knows that change does not have to mean loss.
Even though it usually does. Even though it always threatens to. ]
Don’t thank me, though. [ An arch look, which he hopes betrays little of that worry. ] Just…let me know how it goes.
no subject
He doesn't know what to say to it though, other than to simply agree and so he nods, and then nods again at Gansey's request. As much as he doesn't like talking about things like this, it's probably for the best if Gansey is at least aware of the situation as it unfolds, just so that he can avoid any minefields before he steps into them, this time.]
Sure.
[With that being said, Ronan offers his fist out to crash against Gansey's own, the conversation effectively over. It feels... better, actually, to have gotten that out in the open. For Gansey to know, for Gansey to accept it, to want this for them.
Besides, Ronan got some good advice out of this himself. Now, it's just a matter of trying to figure out how to apply it.]
no subject
Maybe they’ll fix it now. Maybe they’ll be together. That part is up to them. So long as they’re happy, Gansey will be too. ]