[Part of him wants to take care of Ronan, to make sure he's really all right - get him something to eat, something to drink, fresh clothes, time to rest. The rest of Adam only wants to hold on to him and let the simple contact, the reassuring warmth and weight of Ronan's touch, remind him that this is real and they'll be okay.
Maybe not instantly, but eventually.
He doesn't let go of Ronan when they're on the couch, arms around him still, not particularly caring if it isn't the most comfortable position in the world. Once they're past this initial rush of relief, this struggling with emotion, maybe he'll want to move - but not right now. He doesn't cry, he holds on to that, because he doesn't want to make Ronan comfort him, not after everything.]
No, it wasn't your fault. I know you fought. I should have known - I should have seen that it wasn't you.
[It's possible Adam will never forgive himself for that. He holds himself partially responsible for Ronan's death, simply because he didn't realize. He should have known. There's no excuse for his lack of awareness.]
[He clings to him, pulling Adam close into his chest and pressing his nose against the other boy's temple, closing his eyes at the feeling of Adam's tousled hair brushing up against his cheek. This is all he needs, just this, for as long as humanly possible. Everything will be okay again if they can just be together.
His memories are fragmented, and they come at him unevenly- hauling his own body up the stairs, finding Chainsaw and Aspen to hide them away, and then a scattershot of kissing Adam, saying needling things to get under his skin, leading him slowly up the staircase-
It's too much, and Ronan squeezes his eyes shut before pulling back, just enough so that he can get a good look over the other boy, his mouth tight in worry.]
[He's not right now, and he doesn't have the will to lie to Ronan about that. But he doesn't think Ronan is okay either, not after what he's been through. But they're both here, and they're together, so it will eventually be okay. Adam knows that is true. After everything they've already been through, separately and together, this isn't the thing that will break them. Either of them.
He reaches up and touches Ronan's face, the barest brush of fingertips on his jaw and cheek, a thumb stroking across his cheekbone. That other thing, that creature with Ronan's face, that wasn't even a halfway decent copy of Ronan. Not really.]
I missed you.
[He says it suddenly, and it's such a simple sentence, just a collection of words that doesn't come close to what he felt. The knowledge that he'd lost Ronan, that it was his fault, that he was all alone - Aspen and Chainsaw asleep too, and then Noah disappeared, and he needs to tell Ronan that too. It's not something as simple as missing Ronan. It was like when he lost his hand - missing a part of himself.
[Ronan tilts his head pliantly at the touch to his face, letting Adam look as much as he needs to in order to calm himself. Ronan never got a chance to inspect any of the doubles close-up like this for any sort of flaws or alterations from the original, but he thinks that Adam might be able to tell, regardless- so he's still for him as he needs to be.
His eyes focus down toward Adam's face when he's addressed again, and Ronan's posture goes straighter, his shoulders set, his expression hawkish and intently serious. He forces the eye contact and he forces down the rage at the creature that had done this to Adam and he forces himself to be calm, to put his fiery attention entirely on Adam.]
I would never do that to you.
[Not that- well, it isn't technically physically possible for Ronan to do what his double had done, but it's the intent behind it- the lies and the manipulation and the thousands of other tiny things that the bastard had done to get under Adam's skin.
Ronan softens the directness of the promise by tipping his chin upward and catching Adam's thumb against his lips to kiss and delicately mouth at, reaffirming that Adam, more than anything else, is the creature of his devotion- that he would never hurt him the way his double did, that the lies and deceit is something that Adam never has to expect from him.
[He knows that it wasn't Ronan that did those things, that Ronan would never hurt him, would never deceive and threaten him like that. He's never been anything but safe with Ronan - or rather, when there is danger, it's danger he's chosen, not anything that's caused by Ronan. He doesn't blame Ronan for any of it.
But he's not okay yet, either. He can't pretend it didn't happen, and he can't pretend it wasn't done with Ronan's face. It doesn't change his trust in his boyfriend, but it's going to take a little time for him to stop looking over his shoulder, it's going to take him time to stop worrying that something might happen to Ronan while his back is turned. That the other Ronan might return and he might not know. Again.
His hand slides to the back of Ronan's neck, pulling him down gently so he can rest his forehead against Ronan's, closing his eyes.]
It wasn't you. But I lost you, Ronan, you and Chainsaw and Aspen.
[Adam should be used to being alone. He was, once. But he's grown used to having people who care for him around, instead, and losing that - and how he lost it - was not easy to deal with.]
[It seems like an odd thing to say in the middle of their reunion and the foreignness of it throws Ronan for a bit of a loop. It's always been the three of them, since the very beginning- since Harborview and the train. They'd lost Gansey, gained and lost Blue and Henry, but they'd always had Noah and one another. So he doesn't quite process it at first, and tips his head up against Adam's, their noses brushing against one another.]
He's a ghost again?
[There will be time to discuss Chainsaw and Aspen- and sure, maybe even losing Ronan himself, but right now, they're all here and alive, and Noah has let himself be hurt again in some strange catharsis. Did losing Ronan really hurt him that much?
The idea that Noah is gone- really gone- doesn't quite process. He disappears for a few days here and there anyway, sometimes you forget him when he walks out the door- but that's all just a part of being Noah and living with him. Actually leaving for good is something that Ronan isn't prepared to believe.]
[It's not better, not when he knows Noah will be gone at home. That seems to be what he wanted, though, maybe - Adam is not sure he ever knew what Noah really wanted. But he knows this will upset Ronan, he knows it's not something Ronan will want to hear. But he couldn't sit on the knowledge, like a bomb waiting to explode. Better to get it out there.
Honestly, it's not something he wants to dwell on, not right now. Not when Ronan is back, not when Adam missed him for so long, not after everything that happened. Not when Adam has been utterly alone for days. But the alternative was not mentioning it, was acting like it was something that ought to be a secret or that he was keeping from Ronan.
So he had to tell Ronan, and he had to do it quickly, and now he'll deal with whatever the fallout of that is. ]
[That gives him pause. Ronan takes a small step back at the news, his gaze slipping downward as he thinks- as he realizes what that means for Noah, what he's going back to and what kind of end he'll have. It's one of the situations where Ronan feels like his belief system should make him feel better, but it doesn't, not after he's seen what kind of thing Noah has become before his death.
He remembers the funeral- preemptive, but necessary. It feels strange, letting go of someone before they're gone, but that's all that they have now, isn't it?
It's just the two of them. Somehow, that seems poetic.]
Damn.
[Romam breaks away from Adam to pull into his own thoughts for a moment, resting his elbows on his knees and leaning forward on the couch. Noah's gone, he'd died, Adam had been through hell and back- what else can happen to them?]
...I didn't see anything, [he finally admits, his voice a little shaken,] when I died. I thought I'd see something.
[He reaches out to skim his fingers over Ronan's head. Maybe he just needs to touch him - needs to be reminded that he is real, that he's here, that he's back. That Adam didn't lose him for good, no matter what happened. He listens to Ronan too, hears the odd finality of his words.]
That doesn't mean that you didn't see anything. Only that you don't remember.
[Adam's thought about it a little. Death here isn't permanent, so it's not quite real. Whatever comes after death here - which Adam doesn't feel like he's qualified to comment on - might not be what comes after death at home. Or it might be. But either way, there's no reason to think that they'll remember, that any memories from the time where they were in the state of death will remain. Adam doesn't believe in near death experiences, thinks they can be easily explained by neurons firing in the brain. Whatever happens after death is not something that they can know. Not even Gansey, not even Ronan.]
I'm so sorry. I should have - I should have known. I should have been able to protect you.
[It would take more than death to shake Ronan's faith for good, but that doesn't mean that he's not anxious about it, all the same. For over a year, they've been subject of the whims of creatures who are more powerful than any being he's ever known, whisked away to other dimensions and universes that definitely weren't explained in Sunday school, but it's this- the death, the nothing that brings some of that to a head.
Still. It's not something for Adam to worry about. Ronan knows that the other boy isn't religious and he's never been a dick about it, so pushing the issue is just going to make both of them uncomfortable. Instead, he focuses on what Adam says next, on the warm feeling of Adam's fingers on his head.]
It happened too fast, [he finally says, sighing.] There was nothing anyone could have done.
[He stops himself. There's so much he could say, so much he wants to apologize for. So much blame he wants to take on himself, thanks to the guilt he feels over Ronan's death. Adam knows there probably isn't anything he could have done, but he can't stop thinking what if. He knows, though, that saying that won't help, that it'll just make Ronan's thoughts dwell on things he surely doesn't want to think about.
Ronan died, after all. That's too much for anybody.]
- I'm glad you're back. I was afraid, I was afraid this time it might not happen. There's no certainty it'll happen every time.
[And he was alone, with too much time to think. And - well. Everything was terrible. It's going to be awhile before he can bring himself to stray too far from Ronan, after all of this.]
[Ronan doesn't need to be reminded. He still remembers it- dying with fingers around his neck, Adam's, no, his own- his own face looking down at him as the air was stolen from his body and he'd fought. They'd exchanged blows, but Ronan had been caught unaware, at a bad time, and as his vision blurred, he'd thought about Adam.
He'd wondered if he'd see him again, wondered if this monster who looked like him would hurt the other boy. It was devastating, knowing that he wouldn't be around to protect him and now that he knows what the bastard did, it's almost worse. He'd wondered, in the moment, if he would come back, or if Adam would have to go through losing him. The thought alone, of Adam trying to survive by himself as the last of all of them... well, that was too much to bear.
Luckily, he didn't have to bear it for long.]
Parrish, [he finally mumbles, reaching for Adam's fingers on his scalp and pulling his hand down so that Ronan can press his lips against the other boy's palms, in boundless devotion.]
I'd go to blows with the devil himself to come back to you. Don't doubt that.
[He closes his eyes for just a moment, taking a breath, because he's terrified he might cry. He cried for Ronan already, alone after everything had happened. Even knowing he might - should - come back, Adam still fell apart, and now part of him wants to again. The strength of Ronan's devotion is the greatest gift he's ever known, something he doesn't feel he deserves but that he never wants to give up.
He doesn't have words to express how he feels having Ronan back. He's not sure there's a proper vocabulary in any language.]
I never doubt you.
[He only speaks once he can be sure his voice won't break - once he can be fairly sure Ronan won't hear how close he came to tears. It's still a little hoarse, but that can't be helped. He reaches out, slipping his arms around Ronan, holding on to him.
Ronan doesn't hate him for what he did, doesn't hate him for not realizing what happened. He's always known that Ronan's devotion goes deep, but Adam second-guesses himself, thinks that he does not deserve it the way people like Gansey and Noah do. It's not that he really thought Ronan would turn away from him - just like he didn't genuinely believe Ronan wouldn't come back. But there was always the smallest sliver of possibility, and that haunted him while he was alone, struggling with everything that happened.
But the loss of Ronan was the most difficult of all of it. They've grown so close. Adam has never loved someone like this before, has never been loved like this. Losing that would have destroyed part of him, and he knows it. But Ronan is here now.]
I love you.
[He still says it so rarely, but he needs to now.]
[Neither of them really say it very often, both for their own reasons. Ronan knows that Adam never really had anyone to love him before, and he doesn't want Adam to feel a lack of it, but at the same time he's also never been good at expressing himself with words. He proves his love to Adam through touch and through action and he hopes that Adam understands, just as he understands the unspoken proclamation when it's through the other boy's hands instead of his tongue.
But Adam says it, which means something- that he feels it particularly strongly at that moment, that he's overcome or relieved or all of the above. It means that Ronan ought to say it back, and so he nods like he understands the purpose of Adam telling him such a thing, and leans in, pressing their foreheads together.]
I love you too.
[Ronan snakes an arm around Adam's waist at that point and he nuzzles their cheeks together in a gesture of affection. He knows how terrified Adam was- he remembers the double doing cruel things to him- and he knows that a heartfelt embrace after the fact isn't going to erase everything, but it's a start.
[He breathes Ronan in. It helps just having him there, the reality of his presence undeniable. Whatever else happened, he's here now. It doesn't erase the past - it doesn't erase his death, or the impostor that did its best to destroy Adam. It doesn't erase the days he spent utterly alone, consumed with his fears and his guilt.
But it means that Ronan is back with him. That they can move on from this, even if it isn't instant, even if Adam still feels like he has things to make up for. Even though he's sure that Ronan's death, the brutality and horror of it, must haunt him. Ronan has been through so much already. Why this, too? Adam would have done anything to protect him from it if he could.
He'll do his best to be sure it never happens again. That no one hurts Ronan like that again, for both of their sakes.]
I'm not gonna let you get hurt again.
[He's still holding on to Ronan. He doesn't want to let go. Ronan is more real when Adam is touching him, and for all that the impostor and the real thing are identical, Adam thinks he would know the difference now. That nothing else could touch him the same way the real Ronan does.]
[He says earnestly, and for the most part he is. Sore here and there, tired more than anything, but he wants to make sure that Adam is alright before making any of his needs known.
The promise is sweet too, and the meaning of it is genuine, but Ronan isn't sure if not getting hurt is even a possibility here anymore. If it came between him and Adam- well, he knows what he'd do, no matter how much it would upset the other boy. Pain in this place is common, and he's beginning to understand that there's just no avoiding it, no matter how careful they are.
The thought makes him squeeze Adam for a moment, tight and clingy, before he sighs and lets his arm drop.]
[He doesn't know how else to express this. It hurt Ronan, and that hurt him as well - so deeply. Adam still remembers so vividly that moment when he realized what was going on, when the world froze for a second. When he found Ronan's body, and he had to try to keep himself together. He remembers it with brutal clarity. That, and the collapse afterward.
He lets got of Ronan, finally, though he doesn't really want to. Instead, Adam looks at him. He doesn't say what he's thinking - you're all I have or you mean more to me than anything else in this place or I don't want to be here without you. All of it is true, but it's placing a burden on Ronan's shoulders, making him responsible for Adam's happiness and stability here. And that isn't fair.
Adam has survived everything else in his life. He would find a way to survive losing Ronan too. But it might break him.]
I shouldn't have let it go, but I couldn't hurt it. It looked just like you.
[Ronan's brows furrow for a moment at that- it did hurt him, but the pain it pushed on Adam was far worse. He could only imagine what he'd do if he found Adam's murderer, let alone if he'd found out that it was something that looked like him, that fooled him, this whole time.
He can only imagine what it must be like to have to kiss it, to make some form of affection seem genuine, just to get it to go away. Ronan likes to think that he'd have killed it, but after the whole fiasco with the other Adam... well, he's not sure anymore.
Ronan reaches up, pressing his palm against Adam's cheek, brushing his hair gently aside.]
You stayed safe. That's all that matters, no matter what it made you do.
[He presses his cheek into Ronan's hand, taking some strength and some comfort from the the touch. He wants to take what Ronan said to heart - that he did what he had to do, that it doesn't matter that he wasn't able to make that creature pay for Ronan's death. That he wasn't able to strike back, that all he could do was try to keep himself safe.
That he let it touch him. That he kissed it. It was necessary, Adam knows, but that doesn't make him feel any better. It helps that Ronan doesn't blame him for it, and it helps so much that Ronan is back with him - it'll keep him from sinking into regret and self hatred. But it doesn't fix everything in an instant.]
I couldn't stop thinking about you all alone. How I should have known.
[He couldn't stop thinking about Ronan dying alone. If nothing else, Adam wishes he could have been there. Ronan shouldn't have been alone.]
[Ronan has never been particularly good at banishing taboo subjects from his mind, but it bears saying. Whatever happened with the double- it's over with. It doesn't mean that there shouldn't be any sort of fallout or emotions tangled up in the aftereffects, but it can't hurt them anymore, and Ronan doesn't hold Adam accountable for any of it.]
I'm here now- it's gone.
[He remembers the forced kiss in sickening detail, and the way that Adam had to steel himself up for it, the way that Adam had no choice- it strikes a rage in Ronan that he hasn't felt in a long time. But it's a rage at nothing, because the doubles are gone now, and there isn't anything he can do to get even.
His thumb brushes gently over Adam's lower lip, and he smiles a little wryly.]
But I get it, if you don't want to kiss that much for awhile.
[He doesn't quite know how to convey it - that it wasn't Ronan, that Adam has no intention of allowing that thing to damage what they have any more than it already did. This is Ronan, the real thing, his Ronan, and for all that that kiss was horrifying, for all that it made him sick - the fact that it looked like Ronan was the only reason he could do it at all. The fact that he could pretend, for just a moment, that he was kissing someone he loves.
He may not quickly forgive himself for kissing Ronan's murderer, but Ronan isn't the one who should suffer any effects from that.]
I'm not... happy about it. I hate it. But it wasn't you.
[He catches Ronan's hand and holds it gently for a moment before leaning in. He assumes, of course, that Ronan still wants to kiss him - on some level he knows there's a possibility that Ronan is the one who might be haunted, might not want that kind of intimacy. But in this moment he chooses to set aside that possibility so that he won't second-guess, so that he can press his lips to Ronan's with a soft confidence.]
[Ronan returns the kiss with ease, hopefully setting any lingering doubts in Adam's mind to rest. He reaches up with his free hand, resting his palm on the back of the other boy's neck, and listens to the sound of his heart pounding in his chest, the way Adam's presence often seems to make it.
It's good that Adam doesn't blame him for what his double did, refuses to let himself be traumatized by what the other Ronan forced him to do, but Ronan still feels bad about it. If he'd been better, stronger, faster- maybe Adam wouldn't have had to go through that. Maybe none of that would have happened.
It's no use trying to go back, though. He knows what happened and he knows that there's no changing it. All that he can do now is try to make up for it, which is why, when he breaks the kiss, he leans in a little for a second, deeper one, wrapping his arm more fully around Adam's shoulders and drawing him closer- intimate, affectionate, and full of relief all in one.]
[It's a relief to Adam as well, being in Ronan's arms again, kissing him. Adam has had to face death before - most notably Gansey - but knowing that someone is going to come back doesn't make the shock or the loss easier. And Ronan is the most important thing in this place, the most important person. Practically all Adam has left, especially now that Noah is gone.
He lets his hand fall and catches hold of Ronan's shirt, pulling him closer again for another kiss. It's not quite edging on desperate, but it's not far off - but Adam doesn't care. He is desperate right now, needing to reassure himself that Ronan won't be going anywhere, that they're together again.
When they part, he doesn't let go, though he doesn't drag Ronan in for another kiss, either.]
I know we talked about it before, but - will you stay with me from now on? Share a room, I mean.
[They'd made plans, but with everything that happens here, they haven't acted on them. Adam isn't sure if Ronan still needs his own space, but he wants this, he wants it to be real.]
We can stay here or find someplace smaller. I don't care. I just... I'll feel better if you're near.
[Ronan agrees readily to the kissing, tucking himself gently against Adam's side so that they can stay pressed together for the next little while. It's sweet and reassuring, and when Adam mentions staying in the same room, Ronan nods enthusiastically.]
Shit, I've had my sledgehammer ready for weeks.
[But the idea of moving is... a little new maybe, and Ronan gives pause at that. So much has happened in this house- there are bloodstains from the zombie attacks, broken cabinets from Ronan's tantrums and, of course, the ghosts of everyone who'd came and gone away again. There's still Gansey's Room and Noah's Room and Blue's mug and even the scuff mark Henry left on the table when he dropped a plate- the entire place is haunted by their friends, and Ronan had never even entertained the idea of leaving before.
He hesitates for a moment, but doesn't pull away from Adam, instead reaching a hand out for him and offering the other boy a slight smile.]
[He answers honestly. Adam is conflicted. A lot of bad things have happened here - a lot of very bad things. Losing his hand, finding Ronan's body, friends disappearing, a whole list of awful memories. But good things have happened too - laughter, Noah's glitter ending up in the strangest of places, chatting with Gansey, the warm domesticity they've somehow found themselves in. They kissed at him, but Ronan kissed him for the first time here, too, and - well, more.
The house itself is not in great shape, though Adam tries to keep it relatively clean and in semi-decent repair. But though he's not as bad as Ronan, he's still a teenage boy, and sometimes he just doesn't feel like repairing a broken drawer handle or scolding Aspen for chewing on the sofa. And it's true that it's too big for them now, that they're only two people who share a bed more often than not. They don't need a four-person house when one room would probably do.
But leaving would also feel like admitting the others might not come back, and Adam doesn't know if he's ready to do that.]
It would be more practical. But I guess what I really want is just to not have to think about whether we're staying together at night - I want to be able to fall asleep next to you without thinking about whether it's your bed or mine. It doesn't really matter where that happens.
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Maybe not instantly, but eventually.
He doesn't let go of Ronan when they're on the couch, arms around him still, not particularly caring if it isn't the most comfortable position in the world. Once they're past this initial rush of relief, this struggling with emotion, maybe he'll want to move - but not right now. He doesn't cry, he holds on to that, because he doesn't want to make Ronan comfort him, not after everything.]
No, it wasn't your fault. I know you fought. I should have known - I should have seen that it wasn't you.
[It's possible Adam will never forgive himself for that. He holds himself partially responsible for Ronan's death, simply because he didn't realize. He should have known. There's no excuse for his lack of awareness.]
I'm so sorry, Ronan.
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[He clings to him, pulling Adam close into his chest and pressing his nose against the other boy's temple, closing his eyes at the feeling of Adam's tousled hair brushing up against his cheek. This is all he needs, just this, for as long as humanly possible. Everything will be okay again if they can just be together.
His memories are fragmented, and they come at him unevenly- hauling his own body up the stairs, finding Chainsaw and Aspen to hide them away, and then a scattershot of kissing Adam, saying needling things to get under his skin, leading him slowly up the staircase-
It's too much, and Ronan squeezes his eyes shut before pulling back, just enough so that he can get a good look over the other boy, his mouth tight in worry.]
Fuck. It was so shitty to you. Are you okay?
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[He's not right now, and he doesn't have the will to lie to Ronan about that. But he doesn't think Ronan is okay either, not after what he's been through. But they're both here, and they're together, so it will eventually be okay. Adam knows that is true. After everything they've already been through, separately and together, this isn't the thing that will break them. Either of them.
He reaches up and touches Ronan's face, the barest brush of fingertips on his jaw and cheek, a thumb stroking across his cheekbone. That other thing, that creature with Ronan's face, that wasn't even a halfway decent copy of Ronan. Not really.]
I missed you.
[He says it suddenly, and it's such a simple sentence, just a collection of words that doesn't come close to what he felt. The knowledge that he'd lost Ronan, that it was his fault, that he was all alone - Aspen and Chainsaw asleep too, and then Noah disappeared, and he needs to tell Ronan that too. It's not something as simple as missing Ronan. It was like when he lost his hand - missing a part of himself.
And Adam was afraid he wouldn't come back.]
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His eyes focus down toward Adam's face when he's addressed again, and Ronan's posture goes straighter, his shoulders set, his expression hawkish and intently serious. He forces the eye contact and he forces down the rage at the creature that had done this to Adam and he forces himself to be calm, to put his fiery attention entirely on Adam.]
I would never do that to you.
[Not that- well, it isn't technically physically possible for Ronan to do what his double had done, but it's the intent behind it- the lies and the manipulation and the thousands of other tiny things that the bastard had done to get under Adam's skin.
Ronan softens the directness of the promise by tipping his chin upward and catching Adam's thumb against his lips to kiss and delicately mouth at, reaffirming that Adam, more than anything else, is the creature of his devotion- that he would never hurt him the way his double did, that the lies and deceit is something that Adam never has to expect from him.
It hurts. It's going to hurt for awhile.]
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[He knows that it wasn't Ronan that did those things, that Ronan would never hurt him, would never deceive and threaten him like that. He's never been anything but safe with Ronan - or rather, when there is danger, it's danger he's chosen, not anything that's caused by Ronan. He doesn't blame Ronan for any of it.
But he's not okay yet, either. He can't pretend it didn't happen, and he can't pretend it wasn't done with Ronan's face. It doesn't change his trust in his boyfriend, but it's going to take a little time for him to stop looking over his shoulder, it's going to take him time to stop worrying that something might happen to Ronan while his back is turned. That the other Ronan might return and he might not know. Again.
His hand slides to the back of Ronan's neck, pulling him down gently so he can rest his forehead against Ronan's, closing his eyes.]
It wasn't you. But I lost you, Ronan, you and Chainsaw and Aspen.
[Adam should be used to being alone. He was, once. But he's grown used to having people who care for him around, instead, and losing that - and how he lost it - was not easy to deal with.]
Noah's gone, too.
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[It seems like an odd thing to say in the middle of their reunion and the foreignness of it throws Ronan for a bit of a loop. It's always been the three of them, since the very beginning- since Harborview and the train. They'd lost Gansey, gained and lost Blue and Henry, but they'd always had Noah and one another. So he doesn't quite process it at first, and tips his head up against Adam's, their noses brushing against one another.]
He's a ghost again?
[There will be time to discuss Chainsaw and Aspen- and sure, maybe even losing Ronan himself, but right now, they're all here and alive, and Noah has let himself be hurt again in some strange catharsis. Did losing Ronan really hurt him that much?
The idea that Noah is gone- really gone- doesn't quite process. He disappears for a few days here and there anyway, sometimes you forget him when he walks out the door- but that's all just a part of being Noah and living with him. Actually leaving for good is something that Ronan isn't prepared to believe.]
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[It's not better, not when he knows Noah will be gone at home. That seems to be what he wanted, though, maybe - Adam is not sure he ever knew what Noah really wanted. But he knows this will upset Ronan, he knows it's not something Ronan will want to hear. But he couldn't sit on the knowledge, like a bomb waiting to explode. Better to get it out there.
Honestly, it's not something he wants to dwell on, not right now. Not when Ronan is back, not when Adam missed him for so long, not after everything that happened. Not when Adam has been utterly alone for days. But the alternative was not mentioning it, was acting like it was something that ought to be a secret or that he was keeping from Ronan.
So he had to tell Ronan, and he had to do it quickly, and now he'll deal with whatever the fallout of that is. ]
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He remembers the funeral- preemptive, but necessary. It feels strange, letting go of someone before they're gone, but that's all that they have now, isn't it?
It's just the two of them. Somehow, that seems poetic.]
Damn.
[Romam breaks away from Adam to pull into his own thoughts for a moment, resting his elbows on his knees and leaning forward on the couch. Noah's gone, he'd died, Adam had been through hell and back- what else can happen to them?]
...I didn't see anything, [he finally admits, his voice a little shaken,] when I died. I thought I'd see something.
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That doesn't mean that you didn't see anything. Only that you don't remember.
[Adam's thought about it a little. Death here isn't permanent, so it's not quite real. Whatever comes after death here - which Adam doesn't feel like he's qualified to comment on - might not be what comes after death at home. Or it might be. But either way, there's no reason to think that they'll remember, that any memories from the time where they were in the state of death will remain. Adam doesn't believe in near death experiences, thinks they can be easily explained by neurons firing in the brain. Whatever happens after death is not something that they can know. Not even Gansey, not even Ronan.]
I'm so sorry. I should have - I should have known. I should have been able to protect you.
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[It would take more than death to shake Ronan's faith for good, but that doesn't mean that he's not anxious about it, all the same. For over a year, they've been subject of the whims of creatures who are more powerful than any being he's ever known, whisked away to other dimensions and universes that definitely weren't explained in Sunday school, but it's this- the death, the nothing that brings some of that to a head.
Still. It's not something for Adam to worry about. Ronan knows that the other boy isn't religious and he's never been a dick about it, so pushing the issue is just going to make both of them uncomfortable. Instead, he focuses on what Adam says next, on the warm feeling of Adam's fingers on his head.]
It happened too fast, [he finally says, sighing.] There was nothing anyone could have done.
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[He stops himself. There's so much he could say, so much he wants to apologize for. So much blame he wants to take on himself, thanks to the guilt he feels over Ronan's death. Adam knows there probably isn't anything he could have done, but he can't stop thinking what if. He knows, though, that saying that won't help, that it'll just make Ronan's thoughts dwell on things he surely doesn't want to think about.
Ronan died, after all. That's too much for anybody.]
- I'm glad you're back. I was afraid, I was afraid this time it might not happen. There's no certainty it'll happen every time.
[And he was alone, with too much time to think. And - well. Everything was terrible. It's going to be awhile before he can bring himself to stray too far from Ronan, after all of this.]
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He'd wondered if he'd see him again, wondered if this monster who looked like him would hurt the other boy. It was devastating, knowing that he wouldn't be around to protect him and now that he knows what the bastard did, it's almost worse. He'd wondered, in the moment, if he would come back, or if Adam would have to go through losing him. The thought alone, of Adam trying to survive by himself as the last of all of them... well, that was too much to bear.
Luckily, he didn't have to bear it for long.]
Parrish, [he finally mumbles, reaching for Adam's fingers on his scalp and pulling his hand down so that Ronan can press his lips against the other boy's palms, in boundless devotion.]
I'd go to blows with the devil himself to come back to you. Don't doubt that.
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He doesn't have words to express how he feels having Ronan back. He's not sure there's a proper vocabulary in any language.]
I never doubt you.
[He only speaks once he can be sure his voice won't break - once he can be fairly sure Ronan won't hear how close he came to tears. It's still a little hoarse, but that can't be helped. He reaches out, slipping his arms around Ronan, holding on to him.
Ronan doesn't hate him for what he did, doesn't hate him for not realizing what happened. He's always known that Ronan's devotion goes deep, but Adam second-guesses himself, thinks that he does not deserve it the way people like Gansey and Noah do. It's not that he really thought Ronan would turn away from him - just like he didn't genuinely believe Ronan wouldn't come back. But there was always the smallest sliver of possibility, and that haunted him while he was alone, struggling with everything that happened.
But the loss of Ronan was the most difficult of all of it. They've grown so close. Adam has never loved someone like this before, has never been loved like this. Losing that would have destroyed part of him, and he knows it. But Ronan is here now.]
I love you.
[He still says it so rarely, but he needs to now.]
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But Adam says it, which means something- that he feels it particularly strongly at that moment, that he's overcome or relieved or all of the above. It means that Ronan ought to say it back, and so he nods like he understands the purpose of Adam telling him such a thing, and leans in, pressing their foreheads together.]
I love you too.
[Ronan snakes an arm around Adam's waist at that point and he nuzzles their cheeks together in a gesture of affection. He knows how terrified Adam was- he remembers the double doing cruel things to him- and he knows that a heartfelt embrace after the fact isn't going to erase everything, but it's a start.
He closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath.]
I'm here. I'm not gonna leave you again.
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But it means that Ronan is back with him. That they can move on from this, even if it isn't instant, even if Adam still feels like he has things to make up for. Even though he's sure that Ronan's death, the brutality and horror of it, must haunt him. Ronan has been through so much already. Why this, too? Adam would have done anything to protect him from it if he could.
He'll do his best to be sure it never happens again. That no one hurts Ronan like that again, for both of their sakes.]
I'm not gonna let you get hurt again.
[He's still holding on to Ronan. He doesn't want to let go. Ronan is more real when Adam is touching him, and for all that the impostor and the real thing are identical, Adam thinks he would know the difference now. That nothing else could touch him the same way the real Ronan does.]
Are you - all healed? You aren't hurt anywhere?
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[He says earnestly, and for the most part he is. Sore here and there, tired more than anything, but he wants to make sure that Adam is alright before making any of his needs known.
The promise is sweet too, and the meaning of it is genuine, but Ronan isn't sure if not getting hurt is even a possibility here anymore. If it came between him and Adam- well, he knows what he'd do, no matter how much it would upset the other boy. Pain in this place is common, and he's beginning to understand that there's just no avoiding it, no matter how careful they are.
The thought makes him squeeze Adam for a moment, tight and clingy, before he sighs and lets his arm drop.]
I'm glad it didn't hurt you.
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[He doesn't know how else to express this. It hurt Ronan, and that hurt him as well - so deeply. Adam still remembers so vividly that moment when he realized what was going on, when the world froze for a second. When he found Ronan's body, and he had to try to keep himself together. He remembers it with brutal clarity. That, and the collapse afterward.
He lets got of Ronan, finally, though he doesn't really want to. Instead, Adam looks at him. He doesn't say what he's thinking - you're all I have or you mean more to me than anything else in this place or I don't want to be here without you. All of it is true, but it's placing a burden on Ronan's shoulders, making him responsible for Adam's happiness and stability here. And that isn't fair.
Adam has survived everything else in his life. He would find a way to survive losing Ronan too. But it might break him.]
I shouldn't have let it go, but I couldn't hurt it. It looked just like you.
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He can only imagine what it must be like to have to kiss it, to make some form of affection seem genuine, just to get it to go away. Ronan likes to think that he'd have killed it, but after the whole fiasco with the other Adam... well, he's not sure anymore.
Ronan reaches up, pressing his palm against Adam's cheek, brushing his hair gently aside.]
You stayed safe. That's all that matters, no matter what it made you do.
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That he let it touch him. That he kissed it. It was necessary, Adam knows, but that doesn't make him feel any better. It helps that Ronan doesn't blame him for it, and it helps so much that Ronan is back with him - it'll keep him from sinking into regret and self hatred. But it doesn't fix everything in an instant.]
I couldn't stop thinking about you all alone. How I should have known.
[He couldn't stop thinking about Ronan dying alone. If nothing else, Adam wishes he could have been there. Ronan shouldn't have been alone.]
I'm just - I'm sorry.
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[Ronan has never been particularly good at banishing taboo subjects from his mind, but it bears saying. Whatever happened with the double- it's over with. It doesn't mean that there shouldn't be any sort of fallout or emotions tangled up in the aftereffects, but it can't hurt them anymore, and Ronan doesn't hold Adam accountable for any of it.]
I'm here now- it's gone.
[He remembers the forced kiss in sickening detail, and the way that Adam had to steel himself up for it, the way that Adam had no choice- it strikes a rage in Ronan that he hasn't felt in a long time. But it's a rage at nothing, because the doubles are gone now, and there isn't anything he can do to get even.
His thumb brushes gently over Adam's lower lip, and he smiles a little wryly.]
But I get it, if you don't want to kiss that much for awhile.
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[He doesn't quite know how to convey it - that it wasn't Ronan, that Adam has no intention of allowing that thing to damage what they have any more than it already did. This is Ronan, the real thing, his Ronan, and for all that that kiss was horrifying, for all that it made him sick - the fact that it looked like Ronan was the only reason he could do it at all. The fact that he could pretend, for just a moment, that he was kissing someone he loves.
He may not quickly forgive himself for kissing Ronan's murderer, but Ronan isn't the one who should suffer any effects from that.]
I'm not... happy about it. I hate it. But it wasn't you.
[He catches Ronan's hand and holds it gently for a moment before leaning in. He assumes, of course, that Ronan still wants to kiss him - on some level he knows there's a possibility that Ronan is the one who might be haunted, might not want that kind of intimacy. But in this moment he chooses to set aside that possibility so that he won't second-guess, so that he can press his lips to Ronan's with a soft confidence.]
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It's good that Adam doesn't blame him for what his double did, refuses to let himself be traumatized by what the other Ronan forced him to do, but Ronan still feels bad about it. If he'd been better, stronger, faster- maybe Adam wouldn't have had to go through that. Maybe none of that would have happened.
It's no use trying to go back, though. He knows what happened and he knows that there's no changing it. All that he can do now is try to make up for it, which is why, when he breaks the kiss, he leans in a little for a second, deeper one, wrapping his arm more fully around Adam's shoulders and drawing him closer- intimate, affectionate, and full of relief all in one.]
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He lets his hand fall and catches hold of Ronan's shirt, pulling him closer again for another kiss. It's not quite edging on desperate, but it's not far off - but Adam doesn't care. He is desperate right now, needing to reassure himself that Ronan won't be going anywhere, that they're together again.
When they part, he doesn't let go, though he doesn't drag Ronan in for another kiss, either.]
I know we talked about it before, but - will you stay with me from now on? Share a room, I mean.
[They'd made plans, but with everything that happens here, they haven't acted on them. Adam isn't sure if Ronan still needs his own space, but he wants this, he wants it to be real.]
We can stay here or find someplace smaller. I don't care. I just... I'll feel better if you're near.
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Shit, I've had my sledgehammer ready for weeks.
[But the idea of moving is... a little new maybe, and Ronan gives pause at that. So much has happened in this house- there are bloodstains from the zombie attacks, broken cabinets from Ronan's tantrums and, of course, the ghosts of everyone who'd came and gone away again. There's still Gansey's Room and Noah's Room and Blue's mug and even the scuff mark Henry left on the table when he dropped a plate- the entire place is haunted by their friends, and Ronan had never even entertained the idea of leaving before.
He hesitates for a moment, but doesn't pull away from Adam, instead reaching a hand out for him and offering the other boy a slight smile.]
Do you want to move?
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[He answers honestly. Adam is conflicted. A lot of bad things have happened here - a lot of very bad things. Losing his hand, finding Ronan's body, friends disappearing, a whole list of awful memories. But good things have happened too - laughter, Noah's glitter ending up in the strangest of places, chatting with Gansey, the warm domesticity they've somehow found themselves in. They kissed at him, but Ronan kissed him for the first time here, too, and - well, more.
The house itself is not in great shape, though Adam tries to keep it relatively clean and in semi-decent repair. But though he's not as bad as Ronan, he's still a teenage boy, and sometimes he just doesn't feel like repairing a broken drawer handle or scolding Aspen for chewing on the sofa. And it's true that it's too big for them now, that they're only two people who share a bed more often than not. They don't need a four-person house when one room would probably do.
But leaving would also feel like admitting the others might not come back, and Adam doesn't know if he's ready to do that.]
It would be more practical. But I guess what I really want is just to not have to think about whether we're staying together at night - I want to be able to fall asleep next to you without thinking about whether it's your bed or mine. It doesn't really matter where that happens.
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