[ This is why it’s complicated. Gansey doesn’t want to say anything that might make him more angry with Adam. He doesn’t want to make any of this worse. He just wants to know Ronan’s side of it. He’d asked for Adam’s, and that had been personal and painful – on top of revealing far more than Gansey had expected about his friend. He’d known Adam was attracted to Blue, and assumed it was still the case. That there was not only someone new, but that it was a male someone new, and that it was Ronan Lynch on top of that. It had caught Gansey unawares.
Because truthfully, if any of them were interested in men, he’d have sworn it was Ronan, not Adam.
Gansey looks at him now and it’s like he can actually see Ronan shutting down, closing up his fort and defending himself. It could be because Gansey touched a nerve, but it could also be because of the subject matter in general. Scrutinizing Ronan is never actually fair to him; Gansey knows he hates it. The fairest thing, he decides, is to be blunt, and honest. It’s how Ronan would be with him. ]
He said he kissed you, and it made you angry.
[ A summary, covering none of Adam’s feelings, but it’s certainly honest. Adam can cover his own feelings. That’s fair, too. Gansey opens his hands, looking at Ronan. ]
So, I’m asking you. Are you angry with him, is that what all of this is about?
[Ronan isn't sure how to take that. Sure, on some level, he appreciates the directness of it more than he can really say- it's easier to work around when there's no bullshit in the way and he knows where everything stands. But at the same time, Gansey just coming out and saying it means that Ronan has to somehow confront it, when he'd been doing just the opposite of that for weeks.
And then there's the fact that Gansey seems to have the complete wrong take of it- and maybe Adam does too, if that's what he told him? That Ronan would be pissed because of a kiss, because it was Adam who did it?
God. He doesn't want to have this conversation. What is he supposed to say? What does Gansey even know about this? When he was here before he'd known at least what Ronan's feelings are. Was that an awareness he'd developed since leaving home, does he not have that anymore, does he not know?]
Jesus, Gansey.
[Ronan moves to stand, leaving his bowl on the floor. He doesn't leave the room, not yet, but it's difficult to sit like that when he feels like a flurry of motion. Ronan rubs his hand over his face, sliding his palm back along the buzzed hair on his scalp, and paces.
What is he even supposed to say? What does Gansey know?]
So- what, I'm the bigot asshole here? Is that what this is? [Ronan grits his teeth- verbally admitting anything is too difficult, he doesn't think he can do it, but this is Gansey, and he already knew everything once and it was okay- it can't be horrible, can it?]
For fuck's sake, [he finally says in a rush, turning back toward Gansey,] I kissed him first.
[ There is a great temptation to stand as well, immediately, and try to keep this from getting out of hand. Gansey doesn't want Ronan to walk away, doesn't want him to disappear off in a temper, because then they can't talk about any of it and he still won't understand what's gone on between the two of them.
He stays, carefully, still. He cannot always control what his friends do, or how they react. Adam had taught him that, but it applies to Ronan too. He is trying to be better.
So he waits, and keeps his face from reacting until Ronan finishes speaking. And then, with clear relief, he smiles, and leans back on his hands. ]
I think, [ he says slowly, with deliberate care, ] that if anyone gave Adam trouble for liking another boy, the first person to hit them for it would be you. I know you're not a bigot, Ronan.
[ He'd always known that. It was why Adam's story hadn't made sense. Gansey's shoulders lift. ]
So what happened, then? If you kissed him first, why did you walk away? You're aware he thinks you're furious with him?
[He knows that Gansey smiling is a good thing, that the reassurance is a good thing, but all it does is make his chest tighten up further. He doesn't want to talk about this- he feels like he's said enough about his own feelings in conversations with Adam and Gansey to last a lifetime. Ronan's romantic concerns had never come into play before, but now look where they've all wound up- Adam, an arm's length away, Gansey questioning him... in times like these, Ronan feels like he should regret ever opening up in the first place.
He sort of does. He'd been pressed into discussing this every time it had come up, and if he'd just shut down then none of this would have happened. Adam wouldn't have known, wouldn't have let himself feel- whatever it is that he feels. Gansey wouldn't be asking him questions, trying to gently fix whatever fucking mess that had been made of the situation. Ronan wouldn't have to talk about the things that makes him feel raw and vulnerable. Everything would go on like before.
But he's in too deep to walk away from everything now. Shutting down here would just alienate everyone further. He'd started his, he'd promised to wait it out, he'd sworn that he'd be here through everything.
It means talking to Gansey, he supposes. Even if he doesn't want to.]
It's a long story.
[Ronan rubs at his eyes, trying to recount everything- he's not the type to ramble on about irrelevant details, so he tries to keep it condensed into the facts.]
He was scrying and he went too deep. I thought he was going to die, like that psychic. [He shrugs callously, leaning his shoulders against the back of Gansey's door.]
I kissed him. To try and take him out of it, I guess- I don't know, it was stupid. He came to and... [Ronan bites his lip, his fingers tightening a little at the memory.] -I wasn't expecting it. I didn't know if it was him doing it or Cabeswater, so I pulled back. He got upset and shut me out so I left.
[It sounds remarkably simple when he presents it like that. It's predated, of course, by a dozen other interactions, a few softer realizations, a dream or two- there's a history between them that Ronan doesn't know how to convey in just a few words, so he doesn't.]
I don't know what the hell he thinks. [Adam has more reason to be furious with him than the other way around, he reasons. Not that Ronan has ever been intimidated by someone else's anger, but when it's something like this, he feels like their casual avoidance has been the best way to go forward with all of this.]
[ So Adam went too deep, and Ronan woke him with a kiss. There’s something so very fairytale about that. Gansey, who of course is fond of fairytales, finds it bittersweet. There’s nothing standing between them. Nothing that says one of them will die if they kiss, no friend with potential feelings that might get hurt. There’s no reason for them not to pursue it. Not when they both want it.
There’s a brief, awful moment where Gansey thinks about how unfair that is and how much he wishes it could be that simple for him. Deeper than that, there’s another feeling too – a fluttering of worry of what it would mean for them to be this close, closer to each other than either of them are to him. It’s never been that way. For the first time, he feels like an interloper, and there’s something uncomfortable about that. He knows that it shouldn’t be, and even as those feelings rise in him, he’s pushing them back down. He has no right to feel any form of jealousy. He ought to just be happy for them. Nothing else matters. There is no reason why any of this should make him feel alone.
He won’t credit it. His face is kept clear, with no hint of anxiety or worry rising to the surface. ]
Well, he thinks you’re the one who’s angry. I can tell you that much.
[ And more than that, Gansey thinks. He likes Ronan. Only Ronan. He’d said so, and couldn’t have been more clear.
This is not something Gansey wants to say. Adam should tell Ronan how he feels, if and when he’s ready. ]
Look, you should talk to him. You’re both telling me the same thing. You’re both worried that the other is angry with you, and all of this is lying unsaid between you. It should be simple. It could be simple.
The two of you could have a little bit of happiness. It’s worth talking it through.
[ And certainly not worth forgetting about just because talking about their feelings is hard. He looks away, lifting his spaghetti bowl. ]
[Ronan doesn't think of how it must feel for Gansey. He doesn't quite work that way- and even if he did, he wouldn't know what to do about it. All he really knows now is that Gansey is trying to force him to confront this thing that none of them have talked directly about for months and he doesn't like it.
He doesn't let himself think about what things could be like- especially not now, when everything is so tense and awkward and possibly already ruined. Adam had asked for time to know and to be sure and Ronan had tried to respect that, but then everything had gone sideways and now they're here. Ronan had promised that his desires wouldn't change, that he's not some kind of flighty person who shifts their affections at a moment's notice- Adam had made no such promise.
It's not fair to think that and Ronan knows it, but he thinks it anyway. Because there was Blue before there was Ronan, so it's easy to think that there could be someone after Ronan as well, that the ability to make a switch like that is just normal, and Ronan is the one with the broken views on affection.
But none of this matters, because he's not going to talk about it.]
Ugh.
[Ronan wrenches himself back into the conversation for a little bit of happiness and he might surprise you, long enough to roll his eyes with a deliberate care, obviously exasperated with this whole conversation. Sorry Gansey- if you wanted an easier friend to deal with, you wouldn't have ended up with Ronan. Or, for that matter, Adam. This is the hole you've dug yourself in. Enjoy it.]
What's next, fairy godmother? 'Believe in your dreams'? 'Follow your heart'? C'mon, stop.
[He shakes his head, done with being scrutinized.]
I'm not worried. I'm getting pretty fucking annoyed, though.
[ Gansey looks up at him. He’s deliberately still and calm, sensing anger in his friend that isn’t going away. He knows how volatile Ronan can be. He instinctively dislikes being on the wrong end of it. Gansey hates fighting with any of his friends, and he wants to defuse this situation before it turns into that. It occurs to him that it might be too late to defuse anything. Maybe it had been, from the moment he started this. Maybe he should have left it alone.
Leaving it alone is not something he finds easy to do with any of them. That, he thinks, is part of the problem. ]
Look, it’s your choice, Ronan. I don’t like seeing you at odds with him, and I don’t see why you’d go on with that when the two of you both, clearly –
[ Want each other. Gansey ends it with a shrugging gesture instead, and then pushes up his glasses to rub his eyes. This could be easy. It would have to be confronted to be easy, and that’s something neither of them find easy at all. Gansey knows it. In the end, he lets out a sigh of frustration. ]
I don’t want you to be fighting with Adam. I don’t want to fight with you, either.
[Ronan balks at that, because- well, he is annoyed with Gansey, but actually coming out and saying it is more difficult than it should be. And of course Gansey is sympathetic, of course he wants to put all these pieces back together now that they've crumbled.
It doesn't mean that Ronan wants to let him, though. It doesn't mean that Ronan can make this easy on him.
It would be simpler, he thinks, if he could sit down and discuss this with him- really talk to him in the way that some other friends might. But there's no precedence for this and he already feels self conscious enough about the fact that Gansey knows anything, which puts him on the defensive to begin with. This was never going to be an easy subject.
So he's quiet, not answering Gansey's question, not responding to his insinuation that both he and Adam want one another. Ronan doesn't know how to handle this, but in the end, his own muddled confusion wins out and he edges toward Gansey's careful direction, relenting just a fraction.]
You want this to happen? With him and I?
[He's said as much, of course- both now and back when he was with them before- but Ronan still has a hard time really comprehending it. Ronan had fought tooth and nail against Adam joining their duo, he'd ruined months of time they could have all spent with one another on his own possessive anger- for that to turn into this has to give Gansey pause. Doesn't it?
It's also easier to take direction when Gansey is the one giving it. Gansey has always been a voice of clarity in the tangled mess that are Ronan's thoughts and emotions. To know what he wants for Ronan is- well, it's clearly not the only factor, but it's something to consider. Something to help steer Ronan in a way that might actually make this not blow up in his face.]
It might be overstating the matter, just a little. He's not trying to push them together. He doesn't think this is something he would have actively sought, so to speak.
But knowing that they like each other, knowing that they've come close and are fracturing because of a misunderstanding...
He would want either one of them to work that out, if it were with anyone else. So why not with each other? He wonders if Ronan assumes that he doesn't want them together, which in Gansey's mind is just as strange. He's never had an opinion one way or the other. He's never entertained the thought before.
Now he is, though. He looks up. ]
I think it's what he wants. I think it may be what you want, too.
If that's the case? Ronan, you're my best friends. I want it if you do. If you don't, then tell me.
[Something in that is reassuring for Ronan- it makes things fall into place that much easier. That Gansey would not only encourage this, but want it for him, for both of them. It's not quite so much that he was worried about it before, not when Gansey from before had already told him it was fine, but with Gansey now not remembering anything... well, it's difficult to tell just how much he knows.
Ronan shifts his shoulders a little, nodding at the reassurance. He wants to do this. He wants to- at least, maybe try to get through both his and Adam's impressive emotional barriers to find something real between them. He wants that more than he wants a lot of things.
And with Gansey, there's no pressure, no judgement. He's not sure if he was expecting otherwise, but it's nice to hear, after he'd spent so long struggling with himself, denying himself. Of course Gansey knows. Of course Gansey wants him to be happy more than he wants anything else.]
And it doesn't bother you, [he says it like it's an assumption, even though his mouth is dry and his shoulders are tensing again.
For once, Ronan finds eye contact too difficult here and he looks away, entirely too vulnerable to be comfortable- but this is something he wants to know, something that's been rumbling in the pits of his stomach since the beginning of their conversation.]
-that I'm... you know, whatever. [He wets his lips and pushes himself to clarify, just a little.] That I want that.
[ It's a question that Gansey should have expected. He should have seen it coming, should have seen in Ronan's face that it was coming. He didn't, though.
He looks up, startled, and the expression shutters away as soon as it comes. After a moment, it changes, and there are signs of a fracture in Gansey's mask. A smile that's slightly crooked. The way his eyes soften behind his glasses. The way a line appears between his eyebrows.
He gets up, abandoning spaghetti that's starting to congeal. He goes to Ronan, leaning against the wall beside him, and he slides his fingertips into his pockets. ]
No. Of course it doesn't.
We've never talked about it. But I'm not surprised, Ronan. And even if I were, do you think it would matter? I'm not...like that.
[ There's a moment where it feels absurd to Gansey to have to explain that. Of course he's not like that. Ronan is his best friend. He wouldn't care if Ronan wanted to date only girls, or only boys, or both. It never would have mattered.
Ronan's happiness, though. That matters. So does Adam's, and that's why he cares about them liking each other. Gansey lets his head tilt slightly to one side. ]
[He confirms, and then scoffs quietly at this whole conversation- because Ronan has never vied for anyone's approval except for his father's, and this should be no different. Of course Gansey isn't bothered, he wasn't before and he isn't now, and Ronan knew that, but it's still- it's difficult to know how everything stands, and even if he knows, it's difficult to be sure unless he's told.
There's still a relief, a slight loosening in his chest, and Ronan closes his eyes and exhales as it sinks its way into his shoulders, his fingertips. Gansey next to him feels like solidarity somehow, and Ronan gathers himself up again, puts everything back in the proper place, and shrugs.]
I'll talk to him.
[It's still kind of quiet, but it's said like he's giving in, like Gansey has worn him down enough to agree to be an adult about this. He probably has. Gansey is good at that sort of thing.]
[ He pauses, shifting his weight a little. Then, seeming to decide something, he reaches to put his hand on Ronan’s shoulder, at the edge of his neck. It’s firm and deliberate, a hold that he gently squeezes. ]
Look, I know you hate talking about this. We can, though, if you ever want to. I’m not going to be bothered.
[ And he’s not going to judge, that’s what he means. Gansey doesn’t always approve of everything Ronan does, but he’ll never not be his friend. He’ll never not be on his side. That’s just not how it works. ]
It’s just me. You can always talk to me.
[ He drops his hand, not wanting to put more pressure on Ronan than he has already. This isn’t a demand, it’s an offer – whether Ronan ever takes him up on it or not. ]
[Gansey's hand is warm on his shoulder and Ronan breathes out, feeling the curl of Gansey's fingers over a sharp thorn of his tattoo. And he does know, really. Ronan can show up on Gansey's doorstep with a body, and he's certain that Gansey will help him dig a grave- maybe panicky, maybe uncertain, but he'd help. He'd stay at his side, he'd keep believing, no matter how far into the darkness Ronan went, when everyone else had given up on him.
That's something that Ronan appreciates, even if he rarely acknowledges it. Gansey's kindness, Gansey's unflinching belief. It means more to him than he knows how to say.
He opens his mouth, and for a moment, no sound comes out. Ronan inhales, trying to think of something, but putting words to emotion is something he's never really known how to do. Actions are easier. Actions describe more than anything he could say, and he goes weak for a moment, finally finding something to say.]
-I paid off the nuns for his rent. In Henrietta. He blamed you for it. [He doesn't know what he's trying to convey, but he wants to- paint a picture, at least, for Gansey. To show him how long this had been going on, to show him the depth of this.] I went to his place sometimes, after K died, slept on the fucking floor. I took him to the Barns.
[He shakes his head, exhaling quick through his nose.]
Shit, man. I don't know what the fuck I'd say to him.
[ Gansey lets him talk, and as he does, certain pieces start to fit into place. That day when Adam had fought with him over the rent. Noah had disappeared immediately after that, and then there had been so many other fights, each grander than the last, that he hadn't gone back to the first. Of course, the answer had been in front of him all along. Adam's apartment was attached to the church Ronan attended every week. He had connections with everyone involved in that place. It wouldn't surprise him if that was how Adam had found out about that place originally; after all, it had been Ronan who helped him move in. Of course Ronan had paid off the rent. And of course he'd been with Adam during those moments when he was missing, moments when Gansey assumed he must have been street racing, or perhaps with his brother.
He'd been with Adam. Which means that these feelings of Ronan's have been there for months, building quietly.
And Adam thought that Ronan didn't like him.
Gansey leans back, a soft and brief laugh breathing its way out of him. He's damned oblivious when he wants to be. How much of this had he seen, and just accepted without question? How much had he missed altogether? He's not even sure.
But he'd known that Ronan was loyal. That he was good, that his care for the people in his life was unshakeable. It's why the picture Adam painted of him hadn't made sense. But Adam doesn't see, because he's too busy hating himself to think that anyone else could love him.
Like Ronan does. Like Ronan always has, maybe.
Gansey doesn't say anything for a moment. This is the Ronan he's been looking for. The caring, deeply good side of Ronan that he'd buried so deeply when he lost Niall. Gansey had always wanted to bring it back, but in the end, it wasn't him who could have reached it.
At length, he turns a crooked smile up to his friend. ]
So show him, then. He doesn't see himself like you do. He doesn't see his worth, but you do.
Jesus, Ronan. All this time.
[ He falls quiet again, thinking it over. Then, with slightly less gravity: ]
You know you could've told me you were sleeping over, and not burning rubber on Kavinsky's old crew. Do you even know how many nights I worried about that? And you were on Parrish's damned wooden floor, instead.
[Show him. Now there's a good answer. Ronan rarely knows how to speak in words, but his actions are more genuine to him than anything that could come out of his mouth. He'll have to figure something out, have to figure out what to show him, how to show him, but the prospect of that is far easier than one of trying to find the words to explain it to anyone.
So Ronan nods, allowing himself to take the advice for what it is, mulling over it for a moment before returning to Gansey's quiet expression.
There's an answer somewhere there, written in Gansey's face. It brings forward something that Ronan had suspected all along- that he hadn't known. It isn't that Ronan really tried to keep his growing friendship with Adam a secret, but rather that it felt like a private part of his life, a part that he didn't need to bring out into the open and confront in Gansey's presence.
On some level, it's strange, having parts of his life that Gansey doesn't know about. Even with the street racing, the drinking, the fights, Gansey had known. He hadn't approved, but he'd disapproved quietly, so long as Ronan remembered his promise. With this... growing situation with Adam, Ronan just hadn't been able to say it, to bring it to light, because when has he ever admitted something without there being a reason for it? And Gansey had been so wrapped up in the search for Glendower, in his own dealings, in... something else, that Ronan hadn't thought to bring it up.
All of this is stark and suddenly, it's as if the last eleven months ceased to exist and Ronan was looking down at Gansey again, dangled over a sea of endless darkness in that cave.
He'd felt so far from him, then. Too far to help. Too far to do any good. And in the months since, in fighting Noah, in burying Gansey, in keeping Adam's secrets from Gansey, in growing closer to Adam- that rift had only grown.
His stomach pulls at the realization, like a rope tied to his insides has just yanked, and he struggles to pull himself back to the current conversation, to Gansey's light chiding and the understanding of just how long Ronan has been spiraling around Adam.]
You never asked.
[Just as light- though of course, Gansey would have assumed. Ronan knows what Gansey assumed, and he kept letting him do it. He doesn't know what that says about either of them.
In the end, he shrugs.]
But you know now. And- [there's a weighty pause there, one that Ronan punctuates with a jab of a nod.] -thanks.
[ He hadn’t asked. It never would have occurred to Gansey to ask, in no small part because Ronan has never actually dated anyone while they’ve known each other. He should have seen it, though. They’re his best friends. He should have seen this building between them, known what to expect.
He’d been so busy worrying over what they’d think about him and Blue, hiding his own feelings, and then on the other hand, absorbing himself in a quest that seemed to be spiralling further and further out of his control, that he’d missed something obvious. And of course, there’s the time he’d spent away from them, too. Eleven months when they’d been together, and he’d been with them, in theory, but he might as well not have been for all that it matters now. Had he known during that time?
Suddenly, he misses the time when everything was simpler than this. Gansey feels like he keeps doing that, keeps wishing for things to go back the way they used to be, and of course that never happens. He can’t dwell on it. He has to go onwards and upwards, like always. That’s his mantra, the thing he tells himself, and the thing he tells all of them. But even though he knows it, he’s still never been all that good at change. ]
I didn’t. [ He smiles up at Ronan. ] I should have. I don’t want a gap between us.
[ That would be difficult with all of them – but with Ronan, its hardest of all. It’s been the two of them for the longest. He knows that change does not have to mean loss.
Even though it usually does. Even though it always threatens to. ]
Don’t thank me, though. [ An arch look, which he hopes betrays little of that worry. ] Just…let me know how it goes.
[Ronan shrugs nonchalant, but in truth, he doesn't want a gap between them either. It would be devastating, after all that they've gone through with one another, before any of the others were even in the picture. With all that they've done- mostly, what Gansey has done for him, if he's being honest.
He doesn't know what to say to it though, other than to simply agree and so he nods, and then nods again at Gansey's request. As much as he doesn't like talking about things like this, it's probably for the best if Gansey is at least aware of the situation as it unfolds, just so that he can avoid any minefields before he steps into them, this time.]
Sure.
[With that being said, Ronan offers his fist out to crash against Gansey's own, the conversation effectively over. It feels... better, actually, to have gotten that out in the open. For Gansey to know, for Gansey to accept it, to want this for them.
Besides, Ronan got some good advice out of this himself. Now, it's just a matter of trying to figure out how to apply it.]
[ Gansey bumps his fist on Ronan’s, and feels that much better about all of this. They’ll be okay. Regardless of how all of this happened, it’s less likely to come between them now that he knows it’s there. He wouldn’t have wanted that secret to be sitting – and he couldn’t have left it, anyway, knowing what Adam thought had happened.
Maybe they’ll fix it now. Maybe they’ll be together. That part is up to them. So long as they’re happy, Gansey will be too. ]
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Because truthfully, if any of them were interested in men, he’d have sworn it was Ronan, not Adam.
Gansey looks at him now and it’s like he can actually see Ronan shutting down, closing up his fort and defending himself. It could be because Gansey touched a nerve, but it could also be because of the subject matter in general. Scrutinizing Ronan is never actually fair to him; Gansey knows he hates it. The fairest thing, he decides, is to be blunt, and honest. It’s how Ronan would be with him. ]
He said he kissed you, and it made you angry.
[ A summary, covering none of Adam’s feelings, but it’s certainly honest. Adam can cover his own feelings. That’s fair, too. Gansey opens his hands, looking at Ronan. ]
So, I’m asking you. Are you angry with him, is that what all of this is about?
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And then there's the fact that Gansey seems to have the complete wrong take of it- and maybe Adam does too, if that's what he told him? That Ronan would be pissed because of a kiss, because it was Adam who did it?
God. He doesn't want to have this conversation. What is he supposed to say? What does Gansey even know about this? When he was here before he'd known at least what Ronan's feelings are. Was that an awareness he'd developed since leaving home, does he not have that anymore, does he not know?]
Jesus, Gansey.
[Ronan moves to stand, leaving his bowl on the floor. He doesn't leave the room, not yet, but it's difficult to sit like that when he feels like a flurry of motion. Ronan rubs his hand over his face, sliding his palm back along the buzzed hair on his scalp, and paces.
What is he even supposed to say? What does Gansey know?]
So- what, I'm the bigot asshole here? Is that what this is? [Ronan grits his teeth- verbally admitting anything is too difficult, he doesn't think he can do it, but this is Gansey, and he already knew everything once and it was okay- it can't be horrible, can it?]
For fuck's sake, [he finally says in a rush, turning back toward Gansey,] I kissed him first.
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He stays, carefully, still. He cannot always control what his friends do, or how they react. Adam had taught him that, but it applies to Ronan too. He is trying to be better.
So he waits, and keeps his face from reacting until Ronan finishes speaking. And then, with clear relief, he smiles, and leans back on his hands. ]
I think, [ he says slowly, with deliberate care, ] that if anyone gave Adam trouble for liking another boy, the first person to hit them for it would be you. I know you're not a bigot, Ronan.
[ He'd always known that. It was why Adam's story hadn't made sense. Gansey's shoulders lift. ]
So what happened, then? If you kissed him first, why did you walk away? You're aware he thinks you're furious with him?
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He sort of does. He'd been pressed into discussing this every time it had come up, and if he'd just shut down then none of this would have happened. Adam wouldn't have known, wouldn't have let himself feel- whatever it is that he feels. Gansey wouldn't be asking him questions, trying to gently fix whatever fucking mess that had been made of the situation. Ronan wouldn't have to talk about the things that makes him feel raw and vulnerable. Everything would go on like before.
But he's in too deep to walk away from everything now. Shutting down here would just alienate everyone further. He'd started his, he'd promised to wait it out, he'd sworn that he'd be here through everything.
It means talking to Gansey, he supposes. Even if he doesn't want to.]
It's a long story.
[Ronan rubs at his eyes, trying to recount everything- he's not the type to ramble on about irrelevant details, so he tries to keep it condensed into the facts.]
He was scrying and he went too deep. I thought he was going to die, like that psychic. [He shrugs callously, leaning his shoulders against the back of Gansey's door.]
I kissed him. To try and take him out of it, I guess- I don't know, it was stupid. He came to and... [Ronan bites his lip, his fingers tightening a little at the memory.] -I wasn't expecting it. I didn't know if it was him doing it or Cabeswater, so I pulled back. He got upset and shut me out so I left.
[It sounds remarkably simple when he presents it like that. It's predated, of course, by a dozen other interactions, a few softer realizations, a dream or two- there's a history between them that Ronan doesn't know how to convey in just a few words, so he doesn't.]
I don't know what the hell he thinks. [Adam has more reason to be furious with him than the other way around, he reasons. Not that Ronan has ever been intimidated by someone else's anger, but when it's something like this, he feels like their casual avoidance has been the best way to go forward with all of this.]
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There’s a brief, awful moment where Gansey thinks about how unfair that is and how much he wishes it could be that simple for him. Deeper than that, there’s another feeling too – a fluttering of worry of what it would mean for them to be this close, closer to each other than either of them are to him. It’s never been that way. For the first time, he feels like an interloper, and there’s something uncomfortable about that. He knows that it shouldn’t be, and even as those feelings rise in him, he’s pushing them back down. He has no right to feel any form of jealousy. He ought to just be happy for them. Nothing else matters. There is no reason why any of this should make him feel alone.
He won’t credit it. His face is kept clear, with no hint of anxiety or worry rising to the surface. ]
Well, he thinks you’re the one who’s angry. I can tell you that much.
[ And more than that, Gansey thinks. He likes Ronan. Only Ronan. He’d said so, and couldn’t have been more clear.
This is not something Gansey wants to say. Adam should tell Ronan how he feels, if and when he’s ready. ]
Look, you should talk to him. You’re both telling me the same thing. You’re both worried that the other is angry with you, and all of this is lying unsaid between you. It should be simple. It could be simple.
The two of you could have a little bit of happiness. It’s worth talking it through.
[ And certainly not worth forgetting about just because talking about their feelings is hard. He looks away, lifting his spaghetti bowl. ]
Just try. He might surprise you.
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He doesn't let himself think about what things could be like- especially not now, when everything is so tense and awkward and possibly already ruined. Adam had asked for time to know and to be sure and Ronan had tried to respect that, but then everything had gone sideways and now they're here. Ronan had promised that his desires wouldn't change, that he's not some kind of flighty person who shifts their affections at a moment's notice- Adam had made no such promise.
It's not fair to think that and Ronan knows it, but he thinks it anyway. Because there was Blue before there was Ronan, so it's easy to think that there could be someone after Ronan as well, that the ability to make a switch like that is just normal, and Ronan is the one with the broken views on affection.
But none of this matters, because he's not going to talk about it.]
Ugh.
[Ronan wrenches himself back into the conversation for a little bit of happiness and he might surprise you, long enough to roll his eyes with a deliberate care, obviously exasperated with this whole conversation. Sorry Gansey- if you wanted an easier friend to deal with, you wouldn't have ended up with Ronan. Or, for that matter, Adam. This is the hole you've dug yourself in. Enjoy it.]
What's next, fairy godmother? 'Believe in your dreams'? 'Follow your heart'? C'mon, stop.
[He shakes his head, done with being scrutinized.]
I'm not worried. I'm getting pretty fucking annoyed, though.
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[ Gansey looks up at him. He’s deliberately still and calm, sensing anger in his friend that isn’t going away. He knows how volatile Ronan can be. He instinctively dislikes being on the wrong end of it. Gansey hates fighting with any of his friends, and he wants to defuse this situation before it turns into that. It occurs to him that it might be too late to defuse anything. Maybe it had been, from the moment he started this. Maybe he should have left it alone.
Leaving it alone is not something he finds easy to do with any of them. That, he thinks, is part of the problem. ]
Look, it’s your choice, Ronan. I don’t like seeing you at odds with him, and I don’t see why you’d go on with that when the two of you both, clearly –
[ Want each other. Gansey ends it with a shrugging gesture instead, and then pushes up his glasses to rub his eyes. This could be easy. It would have to be confronted to be easy, and that’s something neither of them find easy at all. Gansey knows it. In the end, he lets out a sigh of frustration. ]
I don’t want you to be fighting with Adam. I don’t want to fight with you, either.
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It doesn't mean that Ronan wants to let him, though. It doesn't mean that Ronan can make this easy on him.
It would be simpler, he thinks, if he could sit down and discuss this with him- really talk to him in the way that some other friends might. But there's no precedence for this and he already feels self conscious enough about the fact that Gansey knows anything, which puts him on the defensive to begin with. This was never going to be an easy subject.
So he's quiet, not answering Gansey's question, not responding to his insinuation that both he and Adam want one another. Ronan doesn't know how to handle this, but in the end, his own muddled confusion wins out and he edges toward Gansey's careful direction, relenting just a fraction.]
You want this to happen? With him and I?
[He's said as much, of course- both now and back when he was with them before- but Ronan still has a hard time really comprehending it. Ronan had fought tooth and nail against Adam joining their duo, he'd ruined months of time they could have all spent with one another on his own possessive anger- for that to turn into this has to give Gansey pause. Doesn't it?
It's also easier to take direction when Gansey is the one giving it. Gansey has always been a voice of clarity in the tangled mess that are Ronan's thoughts and emotions. To know what he wants for Ronan is- well, it's clearly not the only factor, but it's something to consider. Something to help steer Ronan in a way that might actually make this not blow up in his face.]
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It might be overstating the matter, just a little. He's not trying to push them together. He doesn't think this is something he would have actively sought, so to speak.
But knowing that they like each other, knowing that they've come close and are fracturing because of a misunderstanding...
He would want either one of them to work that out, if it were with anyone else. So why not with each other? He wonders if Ronan assumes that he doesn't want them together, which in Gansey's mind is just as strange. He's never had an opinion one way or the other. He's never entertained the thought before.
Now he is, though. He looks up. ]
I think it's what he wants. I think it may be what you want, too.
If that's the case? Ronan, you're my best friends. I want it if you do. If you don't, then tell me.
[ He lifts his shoulders. ]
There won't be pressure on you from me.
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Ronan shifts his shoulders a little, nodding at the reassurance. He wants to do this. He wants to- at least, maybe try to get through both his and Adam's impressive emotional barriers to find something real between them. He wants that more than he wants a lot of things.
And with Gansey, there's no pressure, no judgement. He's not sure if he was expecting otherwise, but it's nice to hear, after he'd spent so long struggling with himself, denying himself. Of course Gansey knows. Of course Gansey wants him to be happy more than he wants anything else.]
And it doesn't bother you, [he says it like it's an assumption, even though his mouth is dry and his shoulders are tensing again.
For once, Ronan finds eye contact too difficult here and he looks away, entirely too vulnerable to be comfortable- but this is something he wants to know, something that's been rumbling in the pits of his stomach since the beginning of their conversation.]
-that I'm... you know, whatever. [He wets his lips and pushes himself to clarify, just a little.] That I want that.
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He looks up, startled, and the expression shutters away as soon as it comes. After a moment, it changes, and there are signs of a fracture in Gansey's mask. A smile that's slightly crooked. The way his eyes soften behind his glasses. The way a line appears between his eyebrows.
He gets up, abandoning spaghetti that's starting to congeal. He goes to Ronan, leaning against the wall beside him, and he slides his fingertips into his pockets. ]
No. Of course it doesn't.
We've never talked about it. But I'm not surprised, Ronan. And even if I were, do you think it would matter? I'm not...like that.
[ There's a moment where it feels absurd to Gansey to have to explain that. Of course he's not like that. Ronan is his best friend. He wouldn't care if Ronan wanted to date only girls, or only boys, or both. It never would have mattered.
Ronan's happiness, though. That matters. So does Adam's, and that's why he cares about them liking each other. Gansey lets his head tilt slightly to one side. ]
It wouldn't bother you, if this were me.
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[He confirms, and then scoffs quietly at this whole conversation- because Ronan has never vied for anyone's approval except for his father's, and this should be no different. Of course Gansey isn't bothered, he wasn't before and he isn't now, and Ronan knew that, but it's still- it's difficult to know how everything stands, and even if he knows, it's difficult to be sure unless he's told.
There's still a relief, a slight loosening in his chest, and Ronan closes his eyes and exhales as it sinks its way into his shoulders, his fingertips. Gansey next to him feels like solidarity somehow, and Ronan gathers himself up again, puts everything back in the proper place, and shrugs.]
I'll talk to him.
[It's still kind of quiet, but it's said like he's giving in, like Gansey has worn him down enough to agree to be an adult about this. He probably has. Gansey is good at that sort of thing.]
Is that it?
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That’s it.
[ He pauses, shifting his weight a little. Then, seeming to decide something, he reaches to put his hand on Ronan’s shoulder, at the edge of his neck. It’s firm and deliberate, a hold that he gently squeezes. ]
Look, I know you hate talking about this. We can, though, if you ever want to. I’m not going to be bothered.
[ And he’s not going to judge, that’s what he means. Gansey doesn’t always approve of everything Ronan does, but he’ll never not be his friend. He’ll never not be on his side. That’s just not how it works. ]
It’s just me. You can always talk to me.
[ He drops his hand, not wanting to put more pressure on Ronan than he has already. This isn’t a demand, it’s an offer – whether Ronan ever takes him up on it or not. ]
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[Gansey's hand is warm on his shoulder and Ronan breathes out, feeling the curl of Gansey's fingers over a sharp thorn of his tattoo. And he does know, really. Ronan can show up on Gansey's doorstep with a body, and he's certain that Gansey will help him dig a grave- maybe panicky, maybe uncertain, but he'd help. He'd stay at his side, he'd keep believing, no matter how far into the darkness Ronan went, when everyone else had given up on him.
That's something that Ronan appreciates, even if he rarely acknowledges it. Gansey's kindness, Gansey's unflinching belief. It means more to him than he knows how to say.
He opens his mouth, and for a moment, no sound comes out. Ronan inhales, trying to think of something, but putting words to emotion is something he's never really known how to do. Actions are easier. Actions describe more than anything he could say, and he goes weak for a moment, finally finding something to say.]
-I paid off the nuns for his rent. In Henrietta. He blamed you for it. [He doesn't know what he's trying to convey, but he wants to- paint a picture, at least, for Gansey. To show him how long this had been going on, to show him the depth of this.] I went to his place sometimes, after K died, slept on the fucking floor. I took him to the Barns.
[He shakes his head, exhaling quick through his nose.]
Shit, man. I don't know what the fuck I'd say to him.
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He'd been with Adam. Which means that these feelings of Ronan's have been there for months, building quietly.
And Adam thought that Ronan didn't like him.
Gansey leans back, a soft and brief laugh breathing its way out of him. He's damned oblivious when he wants to be. How much of this had he seen, and just accepted without question? How much had he missed altogether? He's not even sure.
But he'd known that Ronan was loyal. That he was good, that his care for the people in his life was unshakeable. It's why the picture Adam painted of him hadn't made sense. But Adam doesn't see, because he's too busy hating himself to think that anyone else could love him.
Like Ronan does. Like Ronan always has, maybe.
Gansey doesn't say anything for a moment. This is the Ronan he's been looking for. The caring, deeply good side of Ronan that he'd buried so deeply when he lost Niall. Gansey had always wanted to bring it back, but in the end, it wasn't him who could have reached it.
At length, he turns a crooked smile up to his friend. ]
So show him, then. He doesn't see himself like you do. He doesn't see his worth, but you do.
Jesus, Ronan. All this time.
[ He falls quiet again, thinking it over. Then, with slightly less gravity: ]
You know you could've told me you were sleeping over, and not burning rubber on Kavinsky's old crew. Do you even know how many nights I worried about that? And you were on Parrish's damned wooden floor, instead.
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So Ronan nods, allowing himself to take the advice for what it is, mulling over it for a moment before returning to Gansey's quiet expression.
There's an answer somewhere there, written in Gansey's face. It brings forward something that Ronan had suspected all along- that he hadn't known. It isn't that Ronan really tried to keep his growing friendship with Adam a secret, but rather that it felt like a private part of his life, a part that he didn't need to bring out into the open and confront in Gansey's presence.
On some level, it's strange, having parts of his life that Gansey doesn't know about. Even with the street racing, the drinking, the fights, Gansey had known. He hadn't approved, but he'd disapproved quietly, so long as Ronan remembered his promise. With this... growing situation with Adam, Ronan just hadn't been able to say it, to bring it to light, because when has he ever admitted something without there being a reason for it? And Gansey had been so wrapped up in the search for Glendower, in his own dealings, in... something else, that Ronan hadn't thought to bring it up.
All of this is stark and suddenly, it's as if the last eleven months ceased to exist and Ronan was looking down at Gansey again, dangled over a sea of endless darkness in that cave.
He'd felt so far from him, then. Too far to help. Too far to do any good. And in the months since, in fighting Noah, in burying Gansey, in keeping Adam's secrets from Gansey, in growing closer to Adam- that rift had only grown.
His stomach pulls at the realization, like a rope tied to his insides has just yanked, and he struggles to pull himself back to the current conversation, to Gansey's light chiding and the understanding of just how long Ronan has been spiraling around Adam.]
You never asked.
[Just as light- though of course, Gansey would have assumed. Ronan knows what Gansey assumed, and he kept letting him do it. He doesn't know what that says about either of them.
In the end, he shrugs.]
But you know now. And- [there's a weighty pause there, one that Ronan punctuates with a jab of a nod.] -thanks.
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He’d been so busy worrying over what they’d think about him and Blue, hiding his own feelings, and then on the other hand, absorbing himself in a quest that seemed to be spiralling further and further out of his control, that he’d missed something obvious. And of course, there’s the time he’d spent away from them, too. Eleven months when they’d been together, and he’d been with them, in theory, but he might as well not have been for all that it matters now. Had he known during that time?
Suddenly, he misses the time when everything was simpler than this. Gansey feels like he keeps doing that, keeps wishing for things to go back the way they used to be, and of course that never happens. He can’t dwell on it. He has to go onwards and upwards, like always. That’s his mantra, the thing he tells himself, and the thing he tells all of them. But even though he knows it, he’s still never been all that good at change. ]
I didn’t. [ He smiles up at Ronan. ] I should have. I don’t want a gap between us.
[ That would be difficult with all of them – but with Ronan, its hardest of all. It’s been the two of them for the longest. He knows that change does not have to mean loss.
Even though it usually does. Even though it always threatens to. ]
Don’t thank me, though. [ An arch look, which he hopes betrays little of that worry. ] Just…let me know how it goes.
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He doesn't know what to say to it though, other than to simply agree and so he nods, and then nods again at Gansey's request. As much as he doesn't like talking about things like this, it's probably for the best if Gansey is at least aware of the situation as it unfolds, just so that he can avoid any minefields before he steps into them, this time.]
Sure.
[With that being said, Ronan offers his fist out to crash against Gansey's own, the conversation effectively over. It feels... better, actually, to have gotten that out in the open. For Gansey to know, for Gansey to accept it, to want this for them.
Besides, Ronan got some good advice out of this himself. Now, it's just a matter of trying to figure out how to apply it.]
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Maybe they’ll fix it now. Maybe they’ll be together. That part is up to them. So long as they’re happy, Gansey will be too. ]