[And he is after the few minutes that takes him to get home. Ronan doesn't bother to knock, instead preferring to just open Gansey's door instead, poking his head inside.]
[ Doors are a relatively new concept in Gansey's world. He never expects anyone to knock. This is in fact one of the rare occasions when he wants privacy, and that's not for his sake.
There is in fact adequately heated canned spaghetti, in two bowls on the floor. Gansey is wearing glasses, and a lime green shirt that he scavenged from somewhere that's probably glad to be rid of it. ]
Hey.
Come in, I just wanted to ask you something. I didn't want the others to hear.
[Ronan looks at the spaghetti on the floor, lifting a critical brow as he moves into the room and closes the door after him. Gansey says he doesn't want others to hear, and so he takes this seriously and moves inside, sitting opposite of Gansey.]
[ Gansey sits cross-legged and leans forward. One of these things is going to be infinitely more comfortable than the other, so he's starting with it. ]
The caves, at the edge of the city. How dangerous do you think they are? I've been talking to someone about exploration, and they're talking about spears.
The gods push the monsters that come through the Door into the caves. Last month, they asked us to go out and kill a bunch of them, but I don't think they got them all.
[In short, it's too dangerous for Ronan to feel comfortable with letting Gansey go out there, even if he was armed. He doesn't see a good reason for it, especially not one that will ultimately prove worth the risk.
But he also knows that Gansey isn't the kind of person to shy away from something just because it might be dangerous, and so he reaches toward the bowl of spaghetti, putting on a casual air, though his decision is resolute.]
[ Gansey watches Ronan carefully. Plenty of people have told him the caves are dangerous. Ronan is the one he believes, because Ronan fears so little.
Gansey has no inclination to get himself killed. What he wants is to explore, to push the limits of this town. To find a way out, to go home. There are many obstacles in his way.
At present, his own uselessness in a fight is one of them. He can't even throw a punch without breaking his thumb. He does not tell Ronan that he can't come with him. ]
Violence has never appealed to me. [ Understatement. ] It still doesn't.
You taught me how to throw a punch, once. Can you teach me more? I don't want to be a dead weight, helpless in the face of what's in there.
[Ronan doesn't smile at the statement, but his eyebrows arch sharply in a way that seems more charmed than judgmental- though, maybe a little of that as well. Obviously, Gansey isn't a fan of violence. And while Ronan thinks that Gansey is too good for a lot of things, somehow, the reason that violence doesn't agree with him isn't based in any moral standing, but rather because it's just... not who he is.]
I can, but punching a giant snake is just gonna piss it off. [Ronan shrugs, twirling the pasta around his fork.
It gives him a moment to think, because he doesn't want to deny Gansey this, not if Gansey wants to do it. Their leader has good instincts and a brutal curiosity that Ronan would be cruel to stomp out, so surely there's some way that they can do this..]
Maybe we can figure something out. There's weapons in the armory and I can make things. We get Parrish to plan, me to supply... [He considers it, tilting his head in thought.] ...we could probably survive.
[ Gansey would dearly love to not have to do this. There’s an instinct in him that wants to avoid danger, like he had when he’d wanted to avoid sacrificing to Cabeswater. Like he had when he’d spent weeks avoiding another cave, fearing that his own ending was all too near.
But then Persephone had died, and he’d forced himself past that barrier. He’d done it because he knew it was the only way to move forward, and Gansey must always move forward.
This city is walled in by those caves. He has to explore them. He has to try. He can’t sit and wait for fate to hand them a way out. He has to do all he can to seek it, and that’s what he needs to get across. He has never been one for sitting still. ]
I don’t like it any more than you do. Monsters and danger. It’s not that it appeals, it’s that if there’s something to be found, I can’t ignore those tunnels. Even if all it tells me is that there really is no way through them, at least I’ll have looked.
We’ll have looked, if you’re both game. [ A little pause. ] Which you don’t have to be. I mean that. I’m not looking to put either one of you in harm’s way.
[ Nor would he stop them, though. They’ve been with him for so long now that it doesn’t actually feel right without them. He doesn’t say that, though, not wanting to put more pressure on Ronan than he already has. ]
[It's such a... Gansey answer that Ronan is distracted for a moment from the danger of it all and finds himself just dreadfully pleased at his friend's curiosity and the caution that still works its way into everything, but ultimately takes a backseat to action. He missed this. He missed everything about this.]
You're fucking crazy if you think I'm gonna let you go in there alone.
[But of course Gansey would offer, of course Gansey would try to give them an out- even if they'd never take it, not in a million years. Ronan would follow Gansey to Hell if asked, he would bury bodies for him, commit horrible atrocities for him. Accompanying him into a dangerous cave pales in comparison to all the things that he would do.
Ronan shrugs though, like he'd just said something completely inconsequential, and spins the spaghetti around idly in the bowl.]
[ Something about the finality in Ronan’s tone makes Gansey smile. It’s completely unbidden, and at odds with the seriousness of what they were speaking about. There’s nothing inherently pleasing about them agreeing to an expedition like this one, but it’s the way Ronan agreed. The implication that he would always have agreed, that he’d never think of doing otherwise, that they were together in this like always and Gansey should have known that all along.
That’s Ronan Lynch. Loyalty doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Which is why the next topic is not entirely comfortable for him. What Adam had told him does not neatly sit next to that Ronan. Gansey does not believe that Ronan would’ve hurt Adam willingly. Something else must be behind it, it has to be.
He hesitates, and takes a breath. ]
There is. It’s just more personal, that’s all. Ronan…
[ Hazel eyes search Ronan’s face. ]
Look, it’s no secret that things have been off with you and Adam since I got back. I thought you’d fought. I asked him about it, and he said…
Well. That it was something else. [ Careful now. Instinct tells him that this subject will be far more dangerous than a cave that might horribly injure them. That’s just bodily pain; this is about feelings, and Gansey knows it’s not Ronan’s favorite thing. ] Will you tell me what happened?
[He doesn't like it when Gansey says his name like that, when he trails off and looks at him like he's trying to find something in Ronan's expression that will make him easier to read. Gansey looks at him like that before he says something that he knows Ronan won't like. He looks at him like that, says his name like that, when he's trying to convince Ronan to stay in school, to stop getting into so many fights, to lay off the racing, to not scare him again.
He looks at him like that when he's worried. When he's trying to help out of concern, and Ronan instinctively hates it.
Of course, when the subject is actually revealed, Ronan realizes that he was right to hate it. Just the mention of Parrish's name makes his chest go tight with frustration- that their issue would go noticed by Gansey, that Gansey would ask about it, and of course he's speaking softly, of course he's being careful, because Ronan is a ticking time bomb where things like this are concerned and he doesn't know what Gansey knows, what he remembers and what he doesn't, where he'd even begin.]
What did he say?
[Ronan avoids the question like it had never even been asked, instead pressing in on the offensive. He knows that Adam is capable of lying, even to Gansey, knows that this might not actually be about what he thinks it is- but it's hard to imagine otherwise, with Gansey looking at him like that.]
[ This is why it’s complicated. Gansey doesn’t want to say anything that might make him more angry with Adam. He doesn’t want to make any of this worse. He just wants to know Ronan’s side of it. He’d asked for Adam’s, and that had been personal and painful – on top of revealing far more than Gansey had expected about his friend. He’d known Adam was attracted to Blue, and assumed it was still the case. That there was not only someone new, but that it was a male someone new, and that it was Ronan Lynch on top of that. It had caught Gansey unawares.
Because truthfully, if any of them were interested in men, he’d have sworn it was Ronan, not Adam.
Gansey looks at him now and it’s like he can actually see Ronan shutting down, closing up his fort and defending himself. It could be because Gansey touched a nerve, but it could also be because of the subject matter in general. Scrutinizing Ronan is never actually fair to him; Gansey knows he hates it. The fairest thing, he decides, is to be blunt, and honest. It’s how Ronan would be with him. ]
He said he kissed you, and it made you angry.
[ A summary, covering none of Adam’s feelings, but it’s certainly honest. Adam can cover his own feelings. That’s fair, too. Gansey opens his hands, looking at Ronan. ]
So, I’m asking you. Are you angry with him, is that what all of this is about?
[Ronan isn't sure how to take that. Sure, on some level, he appreciates the directness of it more than he can really say- it's easier to work around when there's no bullshit in the way and he knows where everything stands. But at the same time, Gansey just coming out and saying it means that Ronan has to somehow confront it, when he'd been doing just the opposite of that for weeks.
And then there's the fact that Gansey seems to have the complete wrong take of it- and maybe Adam does too, if that's what he told him? That Ronan would be pissed because of a kiss, because it was Adam who did it?
God. He doesn't want to have this conversation. What is he supposed to say? What does Gansey even know about this? When he was here before he'd known at least what Ronan's feelings are. Was that an awareness he'd developed since leaving home, does he not have that anymore, does he not know?]
Jesus, Gansey.
[Ronan moves to stand, leaving his bowl on the floor. He doesn't leave the room, not yet, but it's difficult to sit like that when he feels like a flurry of motion. Ronan rubs his hand over his face, sliding his palm back along the buzzed hair on his scalp, and paces.
What is he even supposed to say? What does Gansey know?]
So- what, I'm the bigot asshole here? Is that what this is? [Ronan grits his teeth- verbally admitting anything is too difficult, he doesn't think he can do it, but this is Gansey, and he already knew everything once and it was okay- it can't be horrible, can it?]
For fuck's sake, [he finally says in a rush, turning back toward Gansey,] I kissed him first.
[ There is a great temptation to stand as well, immediately, and try to keep this from getting out of hand. Gansey doesn't want Ronan to walk away, doesn't want him to disappear off in a temper, because then they can't talk about any of it and he still won't understand what's gone on between the two of them.
He stays, carefully, still. He cannot always control what his friends do, or how they react. Adam had taught him that, but it applies to Ronan too. He is trying to be better.
So he waits, and keeps his face from reacting until Ronan finishes speaking. And then, with clear relief, he smiles, and leans back on his hands. ]
I think, [ he says slowly, with deliberate care, ] that if anyone gave Adam trouble for liking another boy, the first person to hit them for it would be you. I know you're not a bigot, Ronan.
[ He'd always known that. It was why Adam's story hadn't made sense. Gansey's shoulders lift. ]
So what happened, then? If you kissed him first, why did you walk away? You're aware he thinks you're furious with him?
[He knows that Gansey smiling is a good thing, that the reassurance is a good thing, but all it does is make his chest tighten up further. He doesn't want to talk about this- he feels like he's said enough about his own feelings in conversations with Adam and Gansey to last a lifetime. Ronan's romantic concerns had never come into play before, but now look where they've all wound up- Adam, an arm's length away, Gansey questioning him... in times like these, Ronan feels like he should regret ever opening up in the first place.
He sort of does. He'd been pressed into discussing this every time it had come up, and if he'd just shut down then none of this would have happened. Adam wouldn't have known, wouldn't have let himself feel- whatever it is that he feels. Gansey wouldn't be asking him questions, trying to gently fix whatever fucking mess that had been made of the situation. Ronan wouldn't have to talk about the things that makes him feel raw and vulnerable. Everything would go on like before.
But he's in too deep to walk away from everything now. Shutting down here would just alienate everyone further. He'd started his, he'd promised to wait it out, he'd sworn that he'd be here through everything.
It means talking to Gansey, he supposes. Even if he doesn't want to.]
It's a long story.
[Ronan rubs at his eyes, trying to recount everything- he's not the type to ramble on about irrelevant details, so he tries to keep it condensed into the facts.]
He was scrying and he went too deep. I thought he was going to die, like that psychic. [He shrugs callously, leaning his shoulders against the back of Gansey's door.]
I kissed him. To try and take him out of it, I guess- I don't know, it was stupid. He came to and... [Ronan bites his lip, his fingers tightening a little at the memory.] -I wasn't expecting it. I didn't know if it was him doing it or Cabeswater, so I pulled back. He got upset and shut me out so I left.
[It sounds remarkably simple when he presents it like that. It's predated, of course, by a dozen other interactions, a few softer realizations, a dream or two- there's a history between them that Ronan doesn't know how to convey in just a few words, so he doesn't.]
I don't know what the hell he thinks. [Adam has more reason to be furious with him than the other way around, he reasons. Not that Ronan has ever been intimidated by someone else's anger, but when it's something like this, he feels like their casual avoidance has been the best way to go forward with all of this.]
[ So Adam went too deep, and Ronan woke him with a kiss. There’s something so very fairytale about that. Gansey, who of course is fond of fairytales, finds it bittersweet. There’s nothing standing between them. Nothing that says one of them will die if they kiss, no friend with potential feelings that might get hurt. There’s no reason for them not to pursue it. Not when they both want it.
There’s a brief, awful moment where Gansey thinks about how unfair that is and how much he wishes it could be that simple for him. Deeper than that, there’s another feeling too – a fluttering of worry of what it would mean for them to be this close, closer to each other than either of them are to him. It’s never been that way. For the first time, he feels like an interloper, and there’s something uncomfortable about that. He knows that it shouldn’t be, and even as those feelings rise in him, he’s pushing them back down. He has no right to feel any form of jealousy. He ought to just be happy for them. Nothing else matters. There is no reason why any of this should make him feel alone.
He won’t credit it. His face is kept clear, with no hint of anxiety or worry rising to the surface. ]
Well, he thinks you’re the one who’s angry. I can tell you that much.
[ And more than that, Gansey thinks. He likes Ronan. Only Ronan. He’d said so, and couldn’t have been more clear.
This is not something Gansey wants to say. Adam should tell Ronan how he feels, if and when he’s ready. ]
Look, you should talk to him. You’re both telling me the same thing. You’re both worried that the other is angry with you, and all of this is lying unsaid between you. It should be simple. It could be simple.
The two of you could have a little bit of happiness. It’s worth talking it through.
[ And certainly not worth forgetting about just because talking about their feelings is hard. He looks away, lifting his spaghetti bowl. ]
[Ronan doesn't think of how it must feel for Gansey. He doesn't quite work that way- and even if he did, he wouldn't know what to do about it. All he really knows now is that Gansey is trying to force him to confront this thing that none of them have talked directly about for months and he doesn't like it.
He doesn't let himself think about what things could be like- especially not now, when everything is so tense and awkward and possibly already ruined. Adam had asked for time to know and to be sure and Ronan had tried to respect that, but then everything had gone sideways and now they're here. Ronan had promised that his desires wouldn't change, that he's not some kind of flighty person who shifts their affections at a moment's notice- Adam had made no such promise.
It's not fair to think that and Ronan knows it, but he thinks it anyway. Because there was Blue before there was Ronan, so it's easy to think that there could be someone after Ronan as well, that the ability to make a switch like that is just normal, and Ronan is the one with the broken views on affection.
But none of this matters, because he's not going to talk about it.]
Ugh.
[Ronan wrenches himself back into the conversation for a little bit of happiness and he might surprise you, long enough to roll his eyes with a deliberate care, obviously exasperated with this whole conversation. Sorry Gansey- if you wanted an easier friend to deal with, you wouldn't have ended up with Ronan. Or, for that matter, Adam. This is the hole you've dug yourself in. Enjoy it.]
What's next, fairy godmother? 'Believe in your dreams'? 'Follow your heart'? C'mon, stop.
[He shakes his head, done with being scrutinized.]
I'm not worried. I'm getting pretty fucking annoyed, though.
[ Gansey looks up at him. He’s deliberately still and calm, sensing anger in his friend that isn’t going away. He knows how volatile Ronan can be. He instinctively dislikes being on the wrong end of it. Gansey hates fighting with any of his friends, and he wants to defuse this situation before it turns into that. It occurs to him that it might be too late to defuse anything. Maybe it had been, from the moment he started this. Maybe he should have left it alone.
Leaving it alone is not something he finds easy to do with any of them. That, he thinks, is part of the problem. ]
Look, it’s your choice, Ronan. I don’t like seeing you at odds with him, and I don’t see why you’d go on with that when the two of you both, clearly –
[ Want each other. Gansey ends it with a shrugging gesture instead, and then pushes up his glasses to rub his eyes. This could be easy. It would have to be confronted to be easy, and that’s something neither of them find easy at all. Gansey knows it. In the end, he lets out a sigh of frustration. ]
I don’t want you to be fighting with Adam. I don’t want to fight with you, either.
[Ronan balks at that, because- well, he is annoyed with Gansey, but actually coming out and saying it is more difficult than it should be. And of course Gansey is sympathetic, of course he wants to put all these pieces back together now that they've crumbled.
It doesn't mean that Ronan wants to let him, though. It doesn't mean that Ronan can make this easy on him.
It would be simpler, he thinks, if he could sit down and discuss this with him- really talk to him in the way that some other friends might. But there's no precedence for this and he already feels self conscious enough about the fact that Gansey knows anything, which puts him on the defensive to begin with. This was never going to be an easy subject.
So he's quiet, not answering Gansey's question, not responding to his insinuation that both he and Adam want one another. Ronan doesn't know how to handle this, but in the end, his own muddled confusion wins out and he edges toward Gansey's careful direction, relenting just a fraction.]
You want this to happen? With him and I?
[He's said as much, of course- both now and back when he was with them before- but Ronan still has a hard time really comprehending it. Ronan had fought tooth and nail against Adam joining their duo, he'd ruined months of time they could have all spent with one another on his own possessive anger- for that to turn into this has to give Gansey pause. Doesn't it?
It's also easier to take direction when Gansey is the one giving it. Gansey has always been a voice of clarity in the tangled mess that are Ronan's thoughts and emotions. To know what he wants for Ronan is- well, it's clearly not the only factor, but it's something to consider. Something to help steer Ronan in a way that might actually make this not blow up in his face.]
It might be overstating the matter, just a little. He's not trying to push them together. He doesn't think this is something he would have actively sought, so to speak.
But knowing that they like each other, knowing that they've come close and are fracturing because of a misunderstanding...
He would want either one of them to work that out, if it were with anyone else. So why not with each other? He wonders if Ronan assumes that he doesn't want them together, which in Gansey's mind is just as strange. He's never had an opinion one way or the other. He's never entertained the thought before.
Now he is, though. He looks up. ]
I think it's what he wants. I think it may be what you want, too.
If that's the case? Ronan, you're my best friends. I want it if you do. If you don't, then tell me.
[Something in that is reassuring for Ronan- it makes things fall into place that much easier. That Gansey would not only encourage this, but want it for him, for both of them. It's not quite so much that he was worried about it before, not when Gansey from before had already told him it was fine, but with Gansey now not remembering anything... well, it's difficult to tell just how much he knows.
Ronan shifts his shoulders a little, nodding at the reassurance. He wants to do this. He wants to- at least, maybe try to get through both his and Adam's impressive emotional barriers to find something real between them. He wants that more than he wants a lot of things.
And with Gansey, there's no pressure, no judgement. He's not sure if he was expecting otherwise, but it's nice to hear, after he'd spent so long struggling with himself, denying himself. Of course Gansey knows. Of course Gansey wants him to be happy more than he wants anything else.]
And it doesn't bother you, [he says it like it's an assumption, even though his mouth is dry and his shoulders are tensing again.
For once, Ronan finds eye contact too difficult here and he looks away, entirely too vulnerable to be comfortable- but this is something he wants to know, something that's been rumbling in the pits of his stomach since the beginning of their conversation.]
-that I'm... you know, whatever. [He wets his lips and pushes himself to clarify, just a little.] That I want that.
[ It's a question that Gansey should have expected. He should have seen it coming, should have seen in Ronan's face that it was coming. He didn't, though.
He looks up, startled, and the expression shutters away as soon as it comes. After a moment, it changes, and there are signs of a fracture in Gansey's mask. A smile that's slightly crooked. The way his eyes soften behind his glasses. The way a line appears between his eyebrows.
He gets up, abandoning spaghetti that's starting to congeal. He goes to Ronan, leaning against the wall beside him, and he slides his fingertips into his pockets. ]
No. Of course it doesn't.
We've never talked about it. But I'm not surprised, Ronan. And even if I were, do you think it would matter? I'm not...like that.
[ There's a moment where it feels absurd to Gansey to have to explain that. Of course he's not like that. Ronan is his best friend. He wouldn't care if Ronan wanted to date only girls, or only boys, or both. It never would have mattered.
Ronan's happiness, though. That matters. So does Adam's, and that's why he cares about them liking each other. Gansey lets his head tilt slightly to one side. ]
[He confirms, and then scoffs quietly at this whole conversation- because Ronan has never vied for anyone's approval except for his father's, and this should be no different. Of course Gansey isn't bothered, he wasn't before and he isn't now, and Ronan knew that, but it's still- it's difficult to know how everything stands, and even if he knows, it's difficult to be sure unless he's told.
There's still a relief, a slight loosening in his chest, and Ronan closes his eyes and exhales as it sinks its way into his shoulders, his fingertips. Gansey next to him feels like solidarity somehow, and Ronan gathers himself up again, puts everything back in the proper place, and shrugs.]
I'll talk to him.
[It's still kind of quiet, but it's said like he's giving in, like Gansey has worn him down enough to agree to be an adult about this. He probably has. Gansey is good at that sort of thing.]
[ He pauses, shifting his weight a little. Then, seeming to decide something, he reaches to put his hand on Ronan’s shoulder, at the edge of his neck. It’s firm and deliberate, a hold that he gently squeezes. ]
Look, I know you hate talking about this. We can, though, if you ever want to. I’m not going to be bothered.
[ And he’s not going to judge, that’s what he means. Gansey doesn’t always approve of everything Ronan does, but he’ll never not be his friend. He’ll never not be on his side. That’s just not how it works. ]
It’s just me. You can always talk to me.
[ He drops his hand, not wanting to put more pressure on Ronan than he has already. This isn’t a demand, it’s an offer – whether Ronan ever takes him up on it or not. ]
[Gansey's hand is warm on his shoulder and Ronan breathes out, feeling the curl of Gansey's fingers over a sharp thorn of his tattoo. And he does know, really. Ronan can show up on Gansey's doorstep with a body, and he's certain that Gansey will help him dig a grave- maybe panicky, maybe uncertain, but he'd help. He'd stay at his side, he'd keep believing, no matter how far into the darkness Ronan went, when everyone else had given up on him.
That's something that Ronan appreciates, even if he rarely acknowledges it. Gansey's kindness, Gansey's unflinching belief. It means more to him than he knows how to say.
He opens his mouth, and for a moment, no sound comes out. Ronan inhales, trying to think of something, but putting words to emotion is something he's never really known how to do. Actions are easier. Actions describe more than anything he could say, and he goes weak for a moment, finally finding something to say.]
-I paid off the nuns for his rent. In Henrietta. He blamed you for it. [He doesn't know what he's trying to convey, but he wants to- paint a picture, at least, for Gansey. To show him how long this had been going on, to show him the depth of this.] I went to his place sometimes, after K died, slept on the fucking floor. I took him to the Barns.
[He shakes his head, exhaling quick through his nose.]
Shit, man. I don't know what the fuck I'd say to him.
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Hey.
no subject
There is in fact adequately heated canned spaghetti, in two bowls on the floor. Gansey is wearing glasses, and a lime green shirt that he scavenged from somewhere that's probably glad to be rid of it. ]
Hey.
Come in, I just wanted to ask you something. I didn't want the others to hear.
no subject
What is it?
[He's judging your shirt though, tbh.]
no subject
[ Gansey sits cross-legged and leans forward. One of these things is going to be infinitely more comfortable than the other, so he's starting with it. ]
The caves, at the edge of the city. How dangerous do you think they are? I've been talking to someone about exploration, and they're talking about spears.
no subject
The gods push the monsters that come through the Door into the caves. Last month, they asked us to go out and kill a bunch of them, but I don't think they got them all.
[In short, it's too dangerous for Ronan to feel comfortable with letting Gansey go out there, even if he was armed. He doesn't see a good reason for it, especially not one that will ultimately prove worth the risk.
But he also knows that Gansey isn't the kind of person to shy away from something just because it might be dangerous, and so he reaches toward the bowl of spaghetti, putting on a casual air, though his decision is resolute.]
If you go, I'm going with you.
no subject
Gansey has no inclination to get himself killed. What he wants is to explore, to push the limits of this town. To find a way out, to go home. There are many obstacles in his way.
At present, his own uselessness in a fight is one of them. He can't even throw a punch without breaking his thumb. He does not tell Ronan that he can't come with him. ]
Violence has never appealed to me. [ Understatement. ] It still doesn't.
You taught me how to throw a punch, once. Can you teach me more? I don't want to be a dead weight, helpless in the face of what's in there.
no subject
I can, but punching a giant snake is just gonna piss it off. [Ronan shrugs, twirling the pasta around his fork.
It gives him a moment to think, because he doesn't want to deny Gansey this, not if Gansey wants to do it. Their leader has good instincts and a brutal curiosity that Ronan would be cruel to stomp out, so surely there's some way that they can do this..]
Maybe we can figure something out. There's weapons in the armory and I can make things. We get Parrish to plan, me to supply... [He considers it, tilting his head in thought.] ...we could probably survive.
no subject
But then Persephone had died, and he’d forced himself past that barrier. He’d done it because he knew it was the only way to move forward, and Gansey must always move forward.
This city is walled in by those caves. He has to explore them. He has to try. He can’t sit and wait for fate to hand them a way out. He has to do all he can to seek it, and that’s what he needs to get across. He has never been one for sitting still. ]
I don’t like it any more than you do. Monsters and danger. It’s not that it appeals, it’s that if there’s something to be found, I can’t ignore those tunnels. Even if all it tells me is that there really is no way through them, at least I’ll have looked.
We’ll have looked, if you’re both game. [ A little pause. ] Which you don’t have to be. I mean that. I’m not looking to put either one of you in harm’s way.
[ Nor would he stop them, though. They’ve been with him for so long now that it doesn’t actually feel right without them. He doesn’t say that, though, not wanting to put more pressure on Ronan than he already has. ]
no subject
You're fucking crazy if you think I'm gonna let you go in there alone.
[But of course Gansey would offer, of course Gansey would try to give them an out- even if they'd never take it, not in a million years. Ronan would follow Gansey to Hell if asked, he would bury bodies for him, commit horrible atrocities for him. Accompanying him into a dangerous cave pales in comparison to all the things that he would do.
Ronan shrugs though, like he'd just said something completely inconsequential, and spins the spaghetti around idly in the bowl.]
You said there were two things?
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That’s Ronan Lynch. Loyalty doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Which is why the next topic is not entirely comfortable for him. What Adam had told him does not neatly sit next to that Ronan. Gansey does not believe that Ronan would’ve hurt Adam willingly. Something else must be behind it, it has to be.
He hesitates, and takes a breath. ]
There is. It’s just more personal, that’s all. Ronan…
[ Hazel eyes search Ronan’s face. ]
Look, it’s no secret that things have been off with you and Adam since I got back. I thought you’d fought. I asked him about it, and he said…
Well. That it was something else. [ Careful now. Instinct tells him that this subject will be far more dangerous than a cave that might horribly injure them. That’s just bodily pain; this is about feelings, and Gansey knows it’s not Ronan’s favorite thing. ] Will you tell me what happened?
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He looks at him like that when he's worried. When he's trying to help out of concern, and Ronan instinctively hates it.
Of course, when the subject is actually revealed, Ronan realizes that he was right to hate it. Just the mention of Parrish's name makes his chest go tight with frustration- that their issue would go noticed by Gansey, that Gansey would ask about it, and of course he's speaking softly, of course he's being careful, because Ronan is a ticking time bomb where things like this are concerned and he doesn't know what Gansey knows, what he remembers and what he doesn't, where he'd even begin.]
What did he say?
[Ronan avoids the question like it had never even been asked, instead pressing in on the offensive. He knows that Adam is capable of lying, even to Gansey, knows that this might not actually be about what he thinks it is- but it's hard to imagine otherwise, with Gansey looking at him like that.]
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Because truthfully, if any of them were interested in men, he’d have sworn it was Ronan, not Adam.
Gansey looks at him now and it’s like he can actually see Ronan shutting down, closing up his fort and defending himself. It could be because Gansey touched a nerve, but it could also be because of the subject matter in general. Scrutinizing Ronan is never actually fair to him; Gansey knows he hates it. The fairest thing, he decides, is to be blunt, and honest. It’s how Ronan would be with him. ]
He said he kissed you, and it made you angry.
[ A summary, covering none of Adam’s feelings, but it’s certainly honest. Adam can cover his own feelings. That’s fair, too. Gansey opens his hands, looking at Ronan. ]
So, I’m asking you. Are you angry with him, is that what all of this is about?
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And then there's the fact that Gansey seems to have the complete wrong take of it- and maybe Adam does too, if that's what he told him? That Ronan would be pissed because of a kiss, because it was Adam who did it?
God. He doesn't want to have this conversation. What is he supposed to say? What does Gansey even know about this? When he was here before he'd known at least what Ronan's feelings are. Was that an awareness he'd developed since leaving home, does he not have that anymore, does he not know?]
Jesus, Gansey.
[Ronan moves to stand, leaving his bowl on the floor. He doesn't leave the room, not yet, but it's difficult to sit like that when he feels like a flurry of motion. Ronan rubs his hand over his face, sliding his palm back along the buzzed hair on his scalp, and paces.
What is he even supposed to say? What does Gansey know?]
So- what, I'm the bigot asshole here? Is that what this is? [Ronan grits his teeth- verbally admitting anything is too difficult, he doesn't think he can do it, but this is Gansey, and he already knew everything once and it was okay- it can't be horrible, can it?]
For fuck's sake, [he finally says in a rush, turning back toward Gansey,] I kissed him first.
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He stays, carefully, still. He cannot always control what his friends do, or how they react. Adam had taught him that, but it applies to Ronan too. He is trying to be better.
So he waits, and keeps his face from reacting until Ronan finishes speaking. And then, with clear relief, he smiles, and leans back on his hands. ]
I think, [ he says slowly, with deliberate care, ] that if anyone gave Adam trouble for liking another boy, the first person to hit them for it would be you. I know you're not a bigot, Ronan.
[ He'd always known that. It was why Adam's story hadn't made sense. Gansey's shoulders lift. ]
So what happened, then? If you kissed him first, why did you walk away? You're aware he thinks you're furious with him?
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He sort of does. He'd been pressed into discussing this every time it had come up, and if he'd just shut down then none of this would have happened. Adam wouldn't have known, wouldn't have let himself feel- whatever it is that he feels. Gansey wouldn't be asking him questions, trying to gently fix whatever fucking mess that had been made of the situation. Ronan wouldn't have to talk about the things that makes him feel raw and vulnerable. Everything would go on like before.
But he's in too deep to walk away from everything now. Shutting down here would just alienate everyone further. He'd started his, he'd promised to wait it out, he'd sworn that he'd be here through everything.
It means talking to Gansey, he supposes. Even if he doesn't want to.]
It's a long story.
[Ronan rubs at his eyes, trying to recount everything- he's not the type to ramble on about irrelevant details, so he tries to keep it condensed into the facts.]
He was scrying and he went too deep. I thought he was going to die, like that psychic. [He shrugs callously, leaning his shoulders against the back of Gansey's door.]
I kissed him. To try and take him out of it, I guess- I don't know, it was stupid. He came to and... [Ronan bites his lip, his fingers tightening a little at the memory.] -I wasn't expecting it. I didn't know if it was him doing it or Cabeswater, so I pulled back. He got upset and shut me out so I left.
[It sounds remarkably simple when he presents it like that. It's predated, of course, by a dozen other interactions, a few softer realizations, a dream or two- there's a history between them that Ronan doesn't know how to convey in just a few words, so he doesn't.]
I don't know what the hell he thinks. [Adam has more reason to be furious with him than the other way around, he reasons. Not that Ronan has ever been intimidated by someone else's anger, but when it's something like this, he feels like their casual avoidance has been the best way to go forward with all of this.]
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There’s a brief, awful moment where Gansey thinks about how unfair that is and how much he wishes it could be that simple for him. Deeper than that, there’s another feeling too – a fluttering of worry of what it would mean for them to be this close, closer to each other than either of them are to him. It’s never been that way. For the first time, he feels like an interloper, and there’s something uncomfortable about that. He knows that it shouldn’t be, and even as those feelings rise in him, he’s pushing them back down. He has no right to feel any form of jealousy. He ought to just be happy for them. Nothing else matters. There is no reason why any of this should make him feel alone.
He won’t credit it. His face is kept clear, with no hint of anxiety or worry rising to the surface. ]
Well, he thinks you’re the one who’s angry. I can tell you that much.
[ And more than that, Gansey thinks. He likes Ronan. Only Ronan. He’d said so, and couldn’t have been more clear.
This is not something Gansey wants to say. Adam should tell Ronan how he feels, if and when he’s ready. ]
Look, you should talk to him. You’re both telling me the same thing. You’re both worried that the other is angry with you, and all of this is lying unsaid between you. It should be simple. It could be simple.
The two of you could have a little bit of happiness. It’s worth talking it through.
[ And certainly not worth forgetting about just because talking about their feelings is hard. He looks away, lifting his spaghetti bowl. ]
Just try. He might surprise you.
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He doesn't let himself think about what things could be like- especially not now, when everything is so tense and awkward and possibly already ruined. Adam had asked for time to know and to be sure and Ronan had tried to respect that, but then everything had gone sideways and now they're here. Ronan had promised that his desires wouldn't change, that he's not some kind of flighty person who shifts their affections at a moment's notice- Adam had made no such promise.
It's not fair to think that and Ronan knows it, but he thinks it anyway. Because there was Blue before there was Ronan, so it's easy to think that there could be someone after Ronan as well, that the ability to make a switch like that is just normal, and Ronan is the one with the broken views on affection.
But none of this matters, because he's not going to talk about it.]
Ugh.
[Ronan wrenches himself back into the conversation for a little bit of happiness and he might surprise you, long enough to roll his eyes with a deliberate care, obviously exasperated with this whole conversation. Sorry Gansey- if you wanted an easier friend to deal with, you wouldn't have ended up with Ronan. Or, for that matter, Adam. This is the hole you've dug yourself in. Enjoy it.]
What's next, fairy godmother? 'Believe in your dreams'? 'Follow your heart'? C'mon, stop.
[He shakes his head, done with being scrutinized.]
I'm not worried. I'm getting pretty fucking annoyed, though.
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[ Gansey looks up at him. He’s deliberately still and calm, sensing anger in his friend that isn’t going away. He knows how volatile Ronan can be. He instinctively dislikes being on the wrong end of it. Gansey hates fighting with any of his friends, and he wants to defuse this situation before it turns into that. It occurs to him that it might be too late to defuse anything. Maybe it had been, from the moment he started this. Maybe he should have left it alone.
Leaving it alone is not something he finds easy to do with any of them. That, he thinks, is part of the problem. ]
Look, it’s your choice, Ronan. I don’t like seeing you at odds with him, and I don’t see why you’d go on with that when the two of you both, clearly –
[ Want each other. Gansey ends it with a shrugging gesture instead, and then pushes up his glasses to rub his eyes. This could be easy. It would have to be confronted to be easy, and that’s something neither of them find easy at all. Gansey knows it. In the end, he lets out a sigh of frustration. ]
I don’t want you to be fighting with Adam. I don’t want to fight with you, either.
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It doesn't mean that Ronan wants to let him, though. It doesn't mean that Ronan can make this easy on him.
It would be simpler, he thinks, if he could sit down and discuss this with him- really talk to him in the way that some other friends might. But there's no precedence for this and he already feels self conscious enough about the fact that Gansey knows anything, which puts him on the defensive to begin with. This was never going to be an easy subject.
So he's quiet, not answering Gansey's question, not responding to his insinuation that both he and Adam want one another. Ronan doesn't know how to handle this, but in the end, his own muddled confusion wins out and he edges toward Gansey's careful direction, relenting just a fraction.]
You want this to happen? With him and I?
[He's said as much, of course- both now and back when he was with them before- but Ronan still has a hard time really comprehending it. Ronan had fought tooth and nail against Adam joining their duo, he'd ruined months of time they could have all spent with one another on his own possessive anger- for that to turn into this has to give Gansey pause. Doesn't it?
It's also easier to take direction when Gansey is the one giving it. Gansey has always been a voice of clarity in the tangled mess that are Ronan's thoughts and emotions. To know what he wants for Ronan is- well, it's clearly not the only factor, but it's something to consider. Something to help steer Ronan in a way that might actually make this not blow up in his face.]
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It might be overstating the matter, just a little. He's not trying to push them together. He doesn't think this is something he would have actively sought, so to speak.
But knowing that they like each other, knowing that they've come close and are fracturing because of a misunderstanding...
He would want either one of them to work that out, if it were with anyone else. So why not with each other? He wonders if Ronan assumes that he doesn't want them together, which in Gansey's mind is just as strange. He's never had an opinion one way or the other. He's never entertained the thought before.
Now he is, though. He looks up. ]
I think it's what he wants. I think it may be what you want, too.
If that's the case? Ronan, you're my best friends. I want it if you do. If you don't, then tell me.
[ He lifts his shoulders. ]
There won't be pressure on you from me.
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Ronan shifts his shoulders a little, nodding at the reassurance. He wants to do this. He wants to- at least, maybe try to get through both his and Adam's impressive emotional barriers to find something real between them. He wants that more than he wants a lot of things.
And with Gansey, there's no pressure, no judgement. He's not sure if he was expecting otherwise, but it's nice to hear, after he'd spent so long struggling with himself, denying himself. Of course Gansey knows. Of course Gansey wants him to be happy more than he wants anything else.]
And it doesn't bother you, [he says it like it's an assumption, even though his mouth is dry and his shoulders are tensing again.
For once, Ronan finds eye contact too difficult here and he looks away, entirely too vulnerable to be comfortable- but this is something he wants to know, something that's been rumbling in the pits of his stomach since the beginning of their conversation.]
-that I'm... you know, whatever. [He wets his lips and pushes himself to clarify, just a little.] That I want that.
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He looks up, startled, and the expression shutters away as soon as it comes. After a moment, it changes, and there are signs of a fracture in Gansey's mask. A smile that's slightly crooked. The way his eyes soften behind his glasses. The way a line appears between his eyebrows.
He gets up, abandoning spaghetti that's starting to congeal. He goes to Ronan, leaning against the wall beside him, and he slides his fingertips into his pockets. ]
No. Of course it doesn't.
We've never talked about it. But I'm not surprised, Ronan. And even if I were, do you think it would matter? I'm not...like that.
[ There's a moment where it feels absurd to Gansey to have to explain that. Of course he's not like that. Ronan is his best friend. He wouldn't care if Ronan wanted to date only girls, or only boys, or both. It never would have mattered.
Ronan's happiness, though. That matters. So does Adam's, and that's why he cares about them liking each other. Gansey lets his head tilt slightly to one side. ]
It wouldn't bother you, if this were me.
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[He confirms, and then scoffs quietly at this whole conversation- because Ronan has never vied for anyone's approval except for his father's, and this should be no different. Of course Gansey isn't bothered, he wasn't before and he isn't now, and Ronan knew that, but it's still- it's difficult to know how everything stands, and even if he knows, it's difficult to be sure unless he's told.
There's still a relief, a slight loosening in his chest, and Ronan closes his eyes and exhales as it sinks its way into his shoulders, his fingertips. Gansey next to him feels like solidarity somehow, and Ronan gathers himself up again, puts everything back in the proper place, and shrugs.]
I'll talk to him.
[It's still kind of quiet, but it's said like he's giving in, like Gansey has worn him down enough to agree to be an adult about this. He probably has. Gansey is good at that sort of thing.]
Is that it?
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That’s it.
[ He pauses, shifting his weight a little. Then, seeming to decide something, he reaches to put his hand on Ronan’s shoulder, at the edge of his neck. It’s firm and deliberate, a hold that he gently squeezes. ]
Look, I know you hate talking about this. We can, though, if you ever want to. I’m not going to be bothered.
[ And he’s not going to judge, that’s what he means. Gansey doesn’t always approve of everything Ronan does, but he’ll never not be his friend. He’ll never not be on his side. That’s just not how it works. ]
It’s just me. You can always talk to me.
[ He drops his hand, not wanting to put more pressure on Ronan than he has already. This isn’t a demand, it’s an offer – whether Ronan ever takes him up on it or not. ]
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[Gansey's hand is warm on his shoulder and Ronan breathes out, feeling the curl of Gansey's fingers over a sharp thorn of his tattoo. And he does know, really. Ronan can show up on Gansey's doorstep with a body, and he's certain that Gansey will help him dig a grave- maybe panicky, maybe uncertain, but he'd help. He'd stay at his side, he'd keep believing, no matter how far into the darkness Ronan went, when everyone else had given up on him.
That's something that Ronan appreciates, even if he rarely acknowledges it. Gansey's kindness, Gansey's unflinching belief. It means more to him than he knows how to say.
He opens his mouth, and for a moment, no sound comes out. Ronan inhales, trying to think of something, but putting words to emotion is something he's never really known how to do. Actions are easier. Actions describe more than anything he could say, and he goes weak for a moment, finally finding something to say.]
-I paid off the nuns for his rent. In Henrietta. He blamed you for it. [He doesn't know what he's trying to convey, but he wants to- paint a picture, at least, for Gansey. To show him how long this had been going on, to show him the depth of this.] I went to his place sometimes, after K died, slept on the fucking floor. I took him to the Barns.
[He shakes his head, exhaling quick through his nose.]
Shit, man. I don't know what the fuck I'd say to him.
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